The Road Taken

How Not to Invite a Single or Divorced Person for Pesach

2011-03-27T18:49:00.002-04:00

Here's what you don't say:

Do you need a Seder?
Do you need a meal for YomTov?
Which meals don't you have an invitation for?
You can come for the first seder. Do you know who else needs a place for that night?

All of these things were said to me by well-meaning hosts and hostesses in the past.

Here's what you do say.

Would you like to join us for the first seder?
Would you like to join us for 2nd day lunch?
Would you like to join us for any of the YomTov lunches, like any of the last days? You're welcome to bring a friend as well.

Remember, single people don't "need" meals, and if they do, it's rude to remind them of how much you have and how much they don't. As a former "older single" as well as a former divorcee, I can assure you that these words do hurt. Have a little sensitivity this YomTov, fill your tables with people who are currently alone, and treat them with sensitivity and respect.

(Getting off my soapbox now.)

Chag kasher v'sameach.

24 Incredibly Annoying Things that People Do on Facebook

2010-12-09T04:58:00.005-05:00

24 things that I find extraordinarily annoying on Facebook:

1. People who post picture of their kids or pets as their permanent profile picture. Not even a picture of them with their son or puppy, no, just their kids and pets. Frankly, it's creepy.

2. People who punctuate every status update with an exclamation point! Every! Single! One!

3. Friends who "like" every single one of my posts. I have two friends who rarely miss "liking" one of my posts. EVERY freakin post. Like.

4. Frummies who consistently post links from TheYeshivaWorld.com, Matzav.com, VosIzNeias.com or Yated.com. And nowhere else. Get out of the ghetto much?

5. The ultra-frummie whose friend request you reluctantly accepted (usually because they are a cousin or something), who then turns around and gently admonishes you about something you posted not being tznius, or being nivul peh.

6. Relatives who friend you and then tell your mother who is on your friend list (including someone whom you're not supposed to be speaking to).

7. Relatives who friend you and then bring up some of your statuses at family gatherings (does Tanta Rivka really need to know what's going on in your life?) You may say, well then, don't post it on Facebook. But my privacy settings usually restrict my status updates for friends only...there is a trust issue there.

8. Frummies who post racist things on your Wall, or quasi-offensive comments about non-Jews ("...those goyim") or Christian customs, and then wonder why you remove them.

9. Friends who are more or less illiterate and post statuses full of grammatical and syntax errors, or all capital letters.

10. Friends who post the dumbest status updates. "Glee was so GREAT tonight!" or "I love Tuesdays!" or "I am too tired!" or "I had the greatest day at work!" or "TGIF!" or "I am so thirsty!" These are usually also the folks who are guilty of the exclamation point issue.

11. Conservatives/liberals who post, long, brainless, unthought-out, multi-comment diatribes on their liberal/conservative friends' walls. I have one left-wing friend (who actually is not a friend) who challenges every conservative statement I make with pure mush. He uses my wall as a podium to rant about his pet causes in the most inane way possible. Mind you, conservatives do the same thing to their liberal friends. I know I've been guilty of this one, mostly when I first started facebooking. How about keeping it to a well-thought-out, clever, succinct two sentences?

12. Friends who post utterly cryptic status updates with a lot of pronouns. "I told you it wouldn't happen." "I can't believe he did that to her." "I hate what was just told to me."

13. Anything having to do with Farmville, Mobster Wars, etc. Seriously.

14. Poking.

15. Frummies who have joint Facebook accounts (see Frum Satire's rant on this.) MoisheandChaikie Blinsky? Really?

16. Frummies who post under shortened versions of their last names, as if that would prevent anyone in their kids' yeshivas from figuring out they were on Facebook.

17. Facebook memes. Everyone post your bra color to show support for breast cancer! No, actually, that isn't about breast cancer. It's about your bra. Post a cartoon character as your profile picture to show you are against child abuse! No thanks, I'll keep my profile picture; I support child abuse.

18. Women who post pictures of shoes or flowers as their profile pic.

19. Strange men who friend me. It's Facebook, not a bar.

20. People who curse consistently in their status updates. I have a friend who is a surgeon, who routinely uses foul language in his statuses. I really don't get that.

21. Friends of friends (whom you don't know) who make nasty comments on your posts. Lady, I don't even know you; don't lecture me about global warming or anything, really.

22. People who post incredibly personal medical factoids as their status updates, or (worse) on your wall. "Webgirl, I'll be in your neighborhood in two weeks to take my dyslexic brother to a special hospital." "My doctor just prescribed some new anti-depressants, and so far, so good." "Webgirl, let's get coffee next week instead; I'm expecting my period tomorrow."

23. People (mostly in their twenties) who have over 800 pictures of themselves posted on Facebook, many of which were obviously taken with their cellphone.

24. People who tell you (on Facebook) that they think you are addicted to Facebook.

The Same

2010-11-11T07:01:00.003-05:00

I recently accepted some freelance work from an old shul acquaintance of mine, Brandy, and we spent a few hours working very closely together. I really like Brandy and I think she likes me. We were in a meeting last week and I was describing a concert that my husband and I recently attended, and Brandy looked up at me and said "why don't we ever hang out? We should go out sometime!" "Yes!" I enthusiastically replied. "Let's do something!"

We both genuinely meant it at the time, even though I knew, I just knew that it was highly unlikely we would ever actually get together. Brandy and I, though we had a lot in common, had completely different social circles. I thought about that, and wondered why. We went to the same synagogue. We lived in the same area. She was very funny and fun and we had a great deal of overlap in our lives. And then it hit me. And I didn't like it. Brandy and I both consider ourselves Modern Orthodox, but we are clearly at opposite halachic ends of the spectrum of MO. Brandy and I had minor religious differences. These religious differences kept us socially apart.

Why does this make any difference? What is the problem? Well, theoretically, there is no problem. Lots of my immediate friends are religiously different.

Really? Are they?

Then I started to take inventory. While I do have lots of Jewish friends from my past from all different points on the religious spectrum, I was horrified to realize that all the women I hang out with on a regular basis, the women I call, go to coffee with, catch movies with, go biking with, etc. are exactly like me. Exactly.

When did this happen?

Now mind you, I'm not a total loss in this department. I have a wide circle of "extended" friends, like my best friend from childhood who is way out on the fringes of orthodoxy, or my Christian friends from past jobs whom I occasionally go for lunch with, or the Moslem couple that my husband and I go to dinner with twice a year. I have my yeshivish friends back in New York whom I stay with when I go to visit, and I have a whole bevvy on Reform and Recontructionist friends from the class in Tanach that I used to teach.

But I don't hang with these people. No, it seems that these days, I only hang with Webgirl's religious clones. Hair-covering, skirt wearing, don't-eat-out, Torah-uMaddah-right-wing YU types. My posse is completely homogeneous. When, oh when, did this happen? Am I any better than the Yeshivish people in Brooklyn whom I mock, those women whose circles are entirely Yeshivish?

Now, I will say this. I love going out with my friends. They are great women. I can be myself around them. We also have nice clean fun. Did you just laugh when I said "nice clean fun?" But it's true. We don't have uncomfortable conversations. There's no cursing. There's very little drinking (an occasional glass of wine.) There's no talking about things that should remain private. Most of us get each other's cultural references. We have interesting things to share. We agree with each other and when we don't, it's ok. We laugh, we make fun of each other, we cry to each other, we get each other.

Earlier this year, on a visit to NY, I went out with a group of women that I used to be friendly with when I was single, all living on the Upper West Side, all to the far left of me on the Modern Orthodox spectrum. The conversation got around to (I'm not kidding) whose husbands were sexually selfish, and the raunchiest nightgowns we had ever purchased. I didn't participate. I felt like I somehow got transported to a scene from Sex and the City. These were classy, shomeret Shabbat women, and as the conversation progressed, I began to have a great deal of cognitive dissonance. Everyone, including me, was drinking beer, though no one was tipsy. The convo was also sprinkled with expletives, nothing that would curl your hair, just the occasional s-word, etc. I didn't feel uncomfortable, just out of my element. This was not me.

On the same visit to NY, I also went to dinner with three old friends from Boro Park and Flatbush. Our convo centered around: the recent drop in sheitel prices, chessed opportunities that had just opened up, who we could set up with whom, and a wonderful shiur one of the women had heard. While I wasn't jumping out of my skin, this was also not exactly my thing. I wanted to go home.

So maybe it's not the worst thing in the world for me to hang out with people who are just like me. But growing up frum in New York and then leaving had ingrained in me that there is value in building a world of diversity for yourself. Being with people who are not like you challenges you, makes you grow, makes you think, opens you.

And yet, here I am. I'm comfortable with my little posse. And we are going hiking together next week, on a trail that is not too advanced but not too challenging either. We will probably all wear the same style of bandanas to cover our respective hair.

Is that so terrible?

Ickiness Returns.

2010-09-19T15:38:00.001-04:00

For any new readers of my blog, (and I suspect I've lost a few and possibly gained a few, with my infrequent posting), let me bring you up to date on my current sitch in a sentence or three. I started this blog when I was newly divorced and it was mostly about being divorced and how much it had changed me. About a year a half later I worked things out with my Ex and we remarried.

Yeah, that about sums up my current life. Amazing, how much life you can fit in a para.

I was ready to start dating pretty much about ten minutes after I received my get. I dried my numerous tears, saddled up and got right back on the horse. And it wasn't "rebound dating" or post-traumatic-shock dating. It was productive, ready-to-move-the-hell-forward-dating. My marriage had been over for a year before it was over. I was ready.

BUT. (Big but.) I will tell you this. Not once, not for one second during my actual marriage did I ever consider cheating. I didn't want to. I didn't think about other guys. I wasn't attracted to other guys. I didn't flirt with other guys and was quite grossed out when they flirted with me. Once I stood under that chuppah, I considered myself completely devoted to my husband, no matter how miserable life with that person ever made me feel. And I had some moments. But while I certainly wanted to kill my current spouse, my heart still belonged to him. Is that weird or normal? Not important. I'm simply wired that way. Certainly now that we are remarried, happily so, I don't window shop, I don't rove, I don't "lust in my heart." I'm not interested. I'm his.

So when I went to an engagement party recently and saw Rich, someone that I dated while I was divorced, I steered myself in another direction. Immature, maybe, but it brought up feelings of ickiness. I had gone out with this person a few times and he was just not for me. I might have even blogged about it; I don't remember. He was nice looking enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc. but he had known me when I was married the first time, and certainly known my husband, and I found that very unsettling. On our dates, he spent some time badmouthing The Ex, and told me he gave me a lot of credit for sticking out the marriage for as long as I could. He told me he was always a little drawn to me when I was married, but of course, never did anything about it. That was the clincher for me; the ickiness factor of someone who knew and was attracted to me when I was married just soared off the scale. I dumped him nicely. Rich did not go gently into the Good Single Night though; he followed up with some "why, please help me understand why" phone calls, and the person who set us up got involved as well. All this did nothing but add more ickiness to the equation for me.

I remember when I went out with Rich, and I was so repelled by the fact that he admitted to being attracted to me when I was married, I discussed this with Nice Jewish Guy, who explained one of the many differences between men and women to me. "Men," he said, "are always imagining, wondering, turning stuff around in their heads. We can be totally in love with our spouses or girlfriends or whatever, and as soon as we meet a woman, we wonder what it's like to have sex with her. It has nothing to do with infidelity or anything. We never act on it, we just wonder."

I, clearly, am not wired that way. I accept that many (most?) men are, but if that is the case, I kinda don't want to know about it.

So there he was, Rich, at this engagement party, big smile on his face. And there I was, stag, because my husband couldn't make it, and as soon as I saw Rich, I knew I had to get out of there. Ok, breathe, breathe, maybe he'll have the class to say hi and bye and I can just not have any drama.

Oh no. There was drama.

"WebGirl! How are you? I hear you actually married The Ex again!"

"Yes! Hello! Rich. Hello. How are you?"

"I couldn't believe it when I heard from Soandso that you remarried him, especially after everything we talked about when we went out." (Mind you, friends of mine are all around, everywhere.)

"Yes, well, great to see you, Rich. I had forgotten that you were friends with the Chassan. Great to see you. Bye."

Now, Rich doesn't live in my town. I had forgotten that we had mutual friends in the person whose engagement party it was, and I suppose he had flown in. I was hoping he would fly out just as quickly. I fluttered around a bit more, wished all parties Mazel Tov blah blah blah, talked to some girlfriends about an upcoming fundraiser the shul was having, and plotted my escape. I felt Rich's eyes on me. I nearly made it to the door, when he sidled up to me again.

"Webgirl."

"Hello again Rich. Well, I gotta get home. Nice to see you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Whuh huh? What do I mean by what?"

"Well, before you said 'great to see you!' Do you mean that? I mean what am I supposed to take away from that? Is everything ok with you and Husband?"

Oh, the ickiness. I was swimming in ickiness.

"What I meant was that it was lovely seeing you and I wish you the best of luck. Everything is GREAT with me and Husband. Ok, ba-bye."

"Everything is great with Husband and it's great to see me. You use the word 'great' a little indiscriminately, don'tcha think? Do you want to talk or something? Want to go to Starbucks?"

OMG. No. The ickiness factor was high into the red zone. And on top of that, I started to feel the guilty-crawlies, because Husband and I had had a bad fight that morning and hadn't made up yet. There were doors slammed. And here I was, standing here with my Rich, my Icky Former Date, who just asked me out for coffee, so that I could tell him how unhappy I was, admit that I loved Rich all along, and possibly swoon into his arms before I filed for divorce and ran off with him.

Ok, that was all my head drama, but what was real was that Rich was standing here in the community where I lived with my husband, inviting me to coffee.

"Look Rich, I'm very happily married. There's nothing to read into this. Nothing, zero, nada. I want to be very clear about this. I wish you the best of luck. Bye."

And with that, I pirouetted the hell outta there. I went home, took a long shower, made up with my husband, and tried to shake the whole incident off.

I want to explain that Rich is not a psycho. He's not a stalker type or anything like that. I think he's just a really nice single guy who's very lonely. Most of the ickiness is probably in my head. I think.

Coddling

2010-09-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

Ok ladies, are you listening? There's doing something special for the ones we love, and then there's coddling/spoiling. Don't mix these up.

I'm not the most social person in the world, but I have one small social gift: I can pick up personality types pretty quickly. There is a type of woman (men too, but I see it more in women) who loves to sacrifice, and sees that as part of giving and loving. I have a friend, older woman in her fifties, who is married to a brilliant guy. He's so brilliant that he hasn't worked in the thirty years they've been married. Oh, he's held little jobs here and there. He claims he has all sorts of medical ailments, and I'm sure some of them might even be real, but he has used these over and over again as excuses not to go out there like the rest of us and earn a living. Rayna, on the other hand, works like a dog. Whether she's sick or well, she's out there every day, bringing home a paycheck. Benjy, besides his ailments, is also a very large man. He's about 6'3" and weighs around 300 lbs. Many of his ailments are undoubtedly related to his weight. But Rayna cooks for him all the time, makes his favorite meals, fattening as they might be. She gently tries to introduce him to more veggies and salads, but Benjy is "not ready for them yet." Coddle, coddle coddle. They have a great marriage and have raised three delightful sons, who undoubtedly will expect their wives to coddle them as well. We'll see.

Then there's Olivia. Olivia is in her sixties, and her husband is a Vietnam vet. He has some major kidney problems but won't be eligible for a transplant until he drops thirty pounds. And yet Olivia continues to cook lots of special meals for the hubby, whatever he likes. She doesn't like to pressure him, even though a little tough love might save his life. Recently, I complained to her about how my husband was not a vegetable eater, and she admonished me for not serving him just the meats and starches that he loves. I told her as gently as I could: I don't believe in raising a spoiled spouse. She doesn't get it. Her husband is also in charge of where they go, what they do, etc., and Olivia, not wanting to put any pressure on her fragile husband, goes along with whatever he wants.

Then finally there is one of my sisters-in-law, Robin. My nephew is 14 and chubby. Perhaps that's because Robin only feeds her son what he likes, which is pasta, pasta, pasta. I recently had their family over for a meal, and I had to cook an entire second meal for my nephew (at Robin's request) because he doesn't eat chicken unless it's done a certain way and only a certain part, and he won't eat vegetables or fruit, and he only likes bread toasted to a certain doneness, and of course he has to have pasta. etc. Then Robin complains about how the other kids tease him because of his "little extra tummy." And she doesn't push him to do team sports because he's sensitive and she's not sure how well he would fare being in competition with kids who are more athletic than he. Academic competition is fine, because my nephew is very bright and can hold his own.

These women are raising perpetual babies. They are making the world all shiny and bright and accommodating for their guys, but the problem is, the real world is not very accommodating at all. One day, these women will not be around to protect them, and these men will be lost. They are enabling unhealthy food habits and immature, controlling behavior, and each of them views what they are doing as love.

I get crazy when I see stuff like that. Maybe because I was raised with so much tough love. Don't get me wrong, my parents did a lot of nice things for me, but my treats were special and rare, and I grew to appreciate them. In our house, you ate what was served, or you didn't eat. No one ever died from skipping a meal, my Mom used to say. My parents cracked the whip in both academics and sports, and I'm grateful to them for that, because I learned how to play with a team, and even though I struggle with my weight as an adult, I think I'm healthier for it. My husband and I will do occasional nice things for each other, but when we get lazy about stuff, neither of us can stand to suffer any fools.

There is being nice and there is spoiling rotten. Learn the difference.

An Atheist in a Foxhole

2010-08-08T16:38:00.000-04:00

Me and the Big C

2010-08-03T05:21:00.000-04:00

One of the side benefits to going through fertility treatments when you are over forty is that you are given a complete physical rundown. I have been through every medical examination possible, and I'm healthy as the proverbial horse, bee"aitch.

On one of my last exams, my doctor saw a little something on one of my internal organs that He Did Not Like. No sirree Bob, he did not like that thing that he saw. That's how he kept phrasing it to me. "We're not sure what it is, but I don't like it. It's got to come out before we do anything else. I just don't like it." Okey dokey, so two hellish, worry-filled weeks later, I had some fun surgery and they took out the Thing That the Doctor Did Not Like. The surgery was top-secret; I didn't want input from friends or family or frankly anyone. If it was cancer, it was cancer and I would deal with it. If it was not cancer, then I would deal with whatever it was. My siblings and siblings-in-law have a longtime history of saying the well-meaning, wrong thing to me in times of crisis and I just didn't want to deal.

It was not cancer. Thank God. It was something benign, but it was good that it came out. And now we are pressing the restart button on my fertility treatments. Here we go again.

If you've ever gone through the medical exercise of thinking you might have cancer, you probably can identify with some of what I felt. Or maybe it was totally different for you. I really would rather not have to lop off parts of my body or organs, or blast radiation through myself, or push poisonous toxins through my system. And I really, really would rather not die right now. I am finally in the loving, supportive relationship that I've waited all my life to find, and I feel like I have a lot of life yet to live with my husband. I was worried. I was nervous. I cried some. Actually, I cried quite a lot. And I viewed the world with a different lens, a sort of bluish filter on my life. Random thoughts flitted in and out of my troubled mind, some, I realize a little nuts, most, pretty narcissistic. Would this be the last summer I could ride my bike? Would I really have to accept the possibility of never being a mother as fact? Whom would I leave my engagement ring to? Who would want all my stuff? Will my husband remarry? If I have cancer and it's advanced, should I bother with treatment? Have I been good enough to other people? Have I left any sort of mark on this world? Will anyone miss me? Will I see my father in the afterlife? Have I been a good Jew? Will my hair fall out?

My husband dealt with the whole episode in complete and utter denial.

"You don't have cancer. Shutup."

"I might have cancer."

"You don't have any freakin cancer. Stop talking about it."

"What will we do if I have cancer?"

"If you don't stop talking about having cancer, I'll kill you and then you won't have to worry about having cancer."

Etc. Naturally, he was pleased as punch about being right about my not having cancer. He did some major Itoldyousoing. But I recognize his denial for what it was. I don't think he has the emotional tools to deal with the possibility of his wife being ill. It's all he can do to deal with my infertility. He is stretched to the limit. I think that comes with living a very straight, honest life, as he has. You start to believe that because you've never done anything too wrong, nothing truly, truly bad can ever touch you.

Or maybe I'm analyzing this to death.

Another by-product of thinking I might have had cancer was that I realized on some very deep level that I really and truly do believe in God. It's not that I didn't know this before, but I always had nitpickings of the possibility that I was wrong. But then I started to search myself, and I realized that I really do believe. One would think that this would be a relief, but mostly, it just makes me feel more isolated, because it makes my relationship to God more important and more private and intense. Does that make any sense?

So thank you God, thank you God, really, thank you God, WebGirl does not have the Big Cee. But I still have the Big I. Maybe facing down my own death on some level has made me more prepared for the possibility that my infertility treatments might not work. Maybe this experience has made me realize that no matter what I do, no matter how good my doctor is, no matter how advanced the science is, no matter how amazing the drugs are, whether or not I will have a child is really not in my hands at all. Maybe.

The Religion of Environmentalism

2010-06-21T00:48:00.001-04:00

So, the husband and I are about to start a lovely Shabbat lunch at a friend's house, along with about six other guests. Our hostess apologizes for setting the table with paperware, and explains that her dishwasher is on the fritz. We all sort of joke about that (she always puts out a beautiful Shabbos table, finest china, linens, flowers etc.). One of the younger guests, Lainey, very publicy and seriously gathers up her place setting in hand, stands up, and asks for a regular plate, a glass and silverware.

"Um, sure, but why?" responds our hostess.

"For environmental reasons."

Naturally I let out a little giggle, thinking Lainey must be making a joke. She said "for environmental reasons" the same way I would decline eating a cheeseburger, "for religious reasons" or "for kashrut reasons." But after a nasty little condescending look from Lainey, I realized she was serious. "I'll be happy to wash the dishes before I go," Lainey continued. "It's just my thing. I don't ever use paper or plastic. I don't own it and I won't eat off of it. I won't be part of the problem. I won't contribute to killing the Earth."

Right.

I have someone clean my house every other week, but recently, I hired a special cleaning service to give it a really good, "deep cleaning." This is a service that specializes in homes with pets. I wanted every bit of dog hair and general yuckiness out of my house. I wanted windows that sparkled, woodwork that glowed. I wanted all the dead bugs out of my lighting fixtures. You get the picture.

So this special service takes about two days and costs about $150, which is roughly about twice what I normally pay for cleaning (we have a pretty small house). When I ordered the service over the phone and explained in detail exactly what I wanted done, they asked me if I wanted the extra "green" service. For an additional $75, they will only use natural products, put my trash into recyclable bags, etc.

"Absolutely not," I said. "First of all, if it costs more, it's not green to me. Second of all, I don't give a rat's patootie about green cleansers. I want an antiseptically clean house. I want chemicals. I want complete dirt removal." The manager said she understood, but that the company still maintained a green philosophy, but they would not charge me for what she considered a more moral way of cleaning.

Well, the house cleaner, Rose, showed up, and in spite of the fact that I made it clear that I was not a greenie, she refused to use any products containing bleach or ammonia. She washed my windows with vinegar, which frankly, smelled nasty. She washed my hardwood floors with water and nothing else. She used recycled sponges and rags, which, she informed me, would be washed back at the office when she returned, yes, even the one she used to clean the toilets. She used stuff like lemon juice, baking soda, vinegar, etc. I could not convince her to even clean my bathroom with a real cleanser.

I said to her, "Rose, let me ask you something. If, hypothetically, you need surgery someday, would you want the surgeon to clean the instruments and operating table with vinegar? Would you want him to use recycled tubing from another patient, cleaned with baking soda?"

"That's different," she replied.

"Not so much, actually. I want my bathrooms sanitized. We have a lot of guests on the weekend, and I don't want to get sick. I want every surface of my bathroom gone over with a bleach-based cleanser."

"Even at the expense of killing the Earth?" she asked me.

Yeah, she really said that. I live in a very greenified area. We stick out like sore, ungreen, thumbs. Politicians in my area actually run on a totally green platform (and win!). Everybody here recycles like demons. Many of the grocery stores here don't offer paper or plastic; they'll give you a box or ask you to bring your own grocery carrier (which many people do). I am like an atheist in the Church of Environmentalism.

I think that most die-hard environmentalists who know me just write me off as a selfish Conservative, one who wastes, who doesn't care, who consumes without thought. The fact that I don't believe that climate change is a real problem is enough to convince some environmentalists that I am crazy, or evil, or both. I recently posted something to my Facebook profile on Barbara Boxer's comment about how the number one threat to the U.S. Military was climate change. Oh yeah, she really said that. I received the equivalent of a hate mail message from a friend of a friend, who told me I was no better than Sarah Palin, shooting deer from a helicopter, etc.

Sigh.

The truth is, I"m not a wasteful person at all. I'm a huge believer in gemaching, freecycling, and borrowing instead of buying, and just in general not wasting resources. I don't believe these sorts of things should rule your life though, and frankly, I am perfectly comfortable with using paper plates. I think killing germs is actually good for the environment, and I embrace the use of bleach for disinfecting. I don't think Mother Earth is dying. I don't even think she's sick.

I refuse to jump on the environmental bandwagon. It is a culture of baseless religion. I will not drink the green Kool-Aid.

Manna....it's what's for dinner

2010-06-13T15:52:00.003-04:00

Here.

A Guest Post by Nice Jewish Guy

2010-05-14T13:30:00.001-04:00

Cross Posted from my now-defunct blog, Attention Frumster Shoppers:

(Creeeeak.......)

(Scuff scuff....)

Hello..? {O...O... O...)

Anybody here...? (ere... ere... ere...)

(Looking around)......

Boy, sure smells musty in here. Been a while, hasn't it? Let me drag over this crate here- dust it off a bit- and set a spell.

Well, folks, I'm back. But only to wrap things up; I think it's important to have.. closure. A good word. It's been about a year and change since we've last had a shmooze, and, well- a lot's been happening. Good things, mainly. And that's what I'm here to tell you about.

I'm engaged! She's a wonderful woman. (I wanted to say girl, but hey, we're adults here, with, you know- jobs. ) We have been dating for over a year. I'm a little freaked- hey, I did this once before, and to say that things didn't turn out so great would have been an understatement- but not, as friend and blogger WebGirl says, nauseated and panicky.

I didn't blog at all about Future Mrs. NJG while we were dating; partly because I lost my inlclination to exhibit myself, even anonymously (or quasi-anonymously), and my activities. I didn't feel like I wanted to put everything under the blogging microscope, talk it all out with myself as I was writing. I just wanted to live it.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, but you know what? It wasn't that difficult either. It's been six years since my first marriage fell apart, and about five and a half since my get- and well, higiya zman-- it's time. Time to move on, rebuild, and begin the next chapter. I guess I'm getting some maturity, huh? Gosh, when did that happen.

Oh, look at the time. So much to do... anyway, I guess I'll leave the blog up, but this will be the last post here. The store is closed. No more Frumster Shopping, or any other kind. You might find me posting over at The Road Taken, so, keep an eye out.

So, that's all, folks. You're welcome to hang around, visit from time to time if you like. Just mind the dust and cobwebs.

And remember to shut the lights and door on your way out.

(Scuff.. scuff...)

(Creeeak...)

(Thump.)

GREAT NEWS!

2010-05-14T10:25:00.000-04:00

Mazel tov to Nice Jewish Guy who is (gulp) engaged! Yes! Another fabulous frum single guy bites the proverbial dust.

Stay tuned for a long-awaited post over at Attention Frumster Shoppers (and perhaps we can convince him to post here in parallel, if you cajole him a bit).

Mazel tov, NJG. It's been quite a journey, hasn't it.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

I think it was Mother's Day that finally got to me. I've been holding it together until now. One unsuccessful IVF cycle behind us, and while I'm pretty despondent, I haven't quite lost it yet. We're planning on doing another cycle and this time, I'm going to turn on the spiritual spiggot all the way.   Praying, Tehillim, taking on extra mitzvot, asking other people to pray for us, praying for other couples struggling with infertility, etc. We are focusing like laser beams. I cried briefly when the first IVF cycle failed, and then I gathered myself up and said, ok, done crying, we're trying it again; what can we do differently this time; focus focus focus. We are focused, we are beams of light, we have our eyes on the target, our ears to the grounds, our noses to the grindstone, our heads in the oven...

And still, no matter what transpired, I didn't lose it, wouldn't, refused to, not me. Not even when my friend who was aware of what happened invited us for a Shabbos meal and promised it would be just us two couples and ended up having the other family with six raucous kids and the wife who would not stop talking about her children. No, not even when another friend who is a year older than I am shouted over the phone "Mazel tov, I'm a grandmother!" in completely oblivious, well-deserved joy. I held it together. I kept it in. I'm a trooper. I'm focusing on the positive, not dwelling on the negative. I'm a laser beam.

But Mother's Day, for non-mothers is, well, challenging. And I lost it.

"Do not, under any circumstances, log in to Facebook today," my husband warned me. So of course, I did. And FB was brimming with well-wishes and love, happy MDay proclamations, links, pictures of outings and luncheons and thank yous for the crayon cards and breakfasts in bed and shmeary, shmutzy hugs and kisses. The world is full of mothers and children and spilling over with babies and diapers and formula and today, today is the party that celebrates the sacrifices that I will probably never get to make, the love and connections that I will probably never feel, the babies that will probably never be mine. Today is the party to which I'll probably never be invited. This Mother's Day, I am feeling the nasty twisty scorching pain of unmotherhood more than usual. And so I lost it. "I guess it's about time" said my husband as I fell hysterically, completely and totally apart in his arms.

Well. All better now. No, not really. But we are trying again soon. We are not yet in that abyss of hopelessness, but we are certainly tottering on the brink.

It's funny that going through this really does make you feel a little closer to God. A little angrier perhaps, but still, there's a closeness, a dveykus there that wasn't there before. I feel very helpless, like He is propping me up and therethereing me along. Other friends of mine that have gone through assisted reproduction have had similar experiences. One friend of mine, Eva, told me "I remember that when I was going through IVF, I felt very, very close to God and I am not really that type of person. And now, years later, I can't really attain that kind of closeness again, but sometimes when I want it, I say to God 'God, remember back then, when I felt so close to You? Remember what that was like?' and just being able to even refer to that time is enough for me." It's interesting what this sort of thing does to your psyche. You introspect all the time.   It's exhausting and a little nice. I read about the women in the Tanach that struggled with infertility, Sarah, Rachel, Chana, and I feel connected and strengthened through their stories. My infertility has undone and remade me, sea-changed me.

And so we are trying again soon. And because of this past cycle's failure, we are more able to comprehend that it might not work, that as unacceptable as it might be, we need to accept that we might not become parents. And we are still hoping and praying that God changes His mind and remembers us, but we are a little closer to accepting that if He doesn't, there is simply nothing that we can do about it and we need to live and move on. But I still hope, and I still believe there is a chance, no matter how small. "Yeshuas Hashem k'heref ayin."   God can save you in the blink of any eye. And as we cling to that last little gasping molecule of hope, we are slowly, quietly moving through our grief.

Hurtling Towards Healing

2010-02-21T14:03:00.003-05:00

I am convinced that someday soon, maybe in twenty, thirty years, we will view treatments like chemotherapy the same way we currently view treating a sick person with leeches. "You mean to say that you tried to cure cancer by flooding the body with toxins and poisons and chemicals that slowly destroy the person's immune system and simultaneously destroy the cancer too, if the person is lucky? How utterly barbaric."

After all, curing someone through chemotherapy is, more or less (probably less), the same principle as using leeches. Leeches are horrible little worms that suck blood out of the person's body, hopefully sucking the person's ailment out with it. We now know that bloodletting with leeches isn't really an effective cure for most ailments, though it was used by the mainstream medical community for centuries. I wonder if new scientific advances will obscure chemotherapy the same way. I think they will.

I think the same thing will happen with assisted reproduction. Right now, I am in the early stages of my IVF treatment, but in a week or so, I will have to start giving myself five injections a day. That's right folks, five nasty, painful injections, four in my stomach and one in my backside. Not all of them will hurt that much, but frankly, I get pretty queasy at the sight of the two-inch needles alone. This daily injection schedule will take place for two weeks, over the course of which I will be ultrasounded and have my blood drawn and tested every other day. How much fun does that sound like? Two weeks. I am terrified. I can't believe that all that most people have to do to have a baby is have sex.

I've been watching injection how-to videos on YouTube in order to get myself used to the idea, and truthfully, it is just frightening me more. All my life, I've been a little queasy about needles. I have mildly low blood pressure, and when I have blood drawn, I usually feel sick afterwards and have even passed out on occasion. It is a horrible feeling. I am also "blessed" with pale skin and really crummy invisible veins. Nine times out of ten, phlebotomists have to try at least twice to get the needle in right. I recently had to have an IV put in and the nurse tried four times to get the damned needle in (while my hand blew up like a water balloon), until the anesthesiologist shoved her aside and did it himself. It's not so much the pain of the needle prick that I mind, it's the whole gestalt of needles and such. It's just not fun. There is something visceral and barbaric about it.

I've basically sailed through my life, thank you very much God, healthy as a horse. I get a few nasty colds every year and that's it. Until last year, I even had all my wisdom teeth. In my twenties, I don't think I saw a doctor more than once or twice. I feel like since I hit forty, my body has been on a steady decline. I remember attending a class given by Tziporah Heller, in my late twenties, when she said, "the one thing that you can count on in life is that your body will fail you. For some of us, it happens sooner; for some lucky ones, it happens later. But it will happen. Count on it. You can watch your diet, exercise, do all the right things, but the body is designed to wear out eventually. So don't be disappointed or surprised when it happens."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not on death's doorstep. Far from it. As part of my fertility workup, I had to have a complete, multi-level physical: total blood workup, stress test, chest x-ray, complete ob/gyn exam, mammogram...you name it, it's been tested, and thank God, except for the infertility, I am in pretty good shape. So why does it feel like my body is rebelling? I guess what I really want to know is, why the hell can the rest of the world have babies and I can't? Not a day goes by when I don't ask myself this. I am going to have to give myself five shots a day for 15 days to have a baby. My neighbor down the block just had her fifth child. Basically, when she and her husband share a toothbrush, she gets pregnant. When he looks at her funny, she gets pregnant. When they eat popcorn at the movies out of the same bag, she gets pregnant.

I heard an interesting and controversial dvar Torah about two years ago. The upshot of it was that as the universe hurls itself towards the coming of the Mashiach (this conjures up an interesting Star Trek visual for me), the world is actually healing and unwinding from the primal sins of Creation, and slowly, God is lifting the punishments that He imposed on Adam and Chava, as part of the Tikkun. Think about it. Most (or at least many) men in civilized societies do not earn their bread "by the sweat of their brow" any more. Most men are not hunters or farmers; they sit in front of computers, or in classrooms, or are writing, or are investing, or they sell things in stores, or they treat patients and clients, etc. I think in ten years, half the white-collar workforce will probably be telecommuting and won't even have to leave their homes. How many men do you know are riding behind a plow all day? The fact is that "work" today doesn't mean the same thing that it did thousands of years ago, or even a hundred years ago, because the majority of us don't live in an agricultural society and the majority of men are not engaged in back-breaking labor. And as far as Chava's punishment, most women in civilized society do not die in childbirth anymore, and thanks to epidurals, controlled breathing, etc. even the pain of childbirth labor is minimized. Women can take ibuprofen and exercise to deal with most menstrual pain. Giving birth and most of what goes along with it, though essentially the exact same process, is no longer something most women fear. "The curse" is at most an inconvenience. The gift of medical science has removed most of the dangers and pain involved. The punishments of the Garden are slowly being lifted and unwound as we move towards the beginning of the next era. Pretty cool observation, whether you buy into it or not. I actually like it (though I can see where many people would scoff at this).

But, there are still men who earn their living by sweat of their brow and often by their blood as well. And sadly, there are still women who die in childbirth, or who have horribly painful birth experiences, or women who cannot conceive at all or women who must put themselves through a painful and rigorous process in order to conceive. I sometimes wonder if assisted reproduction is part of the whole Edenic punishment reversal process. I mean, if I had been born fifty years earlier, my chances at having a child would be zero (not that I even know what's wrong with me, or why I haven't had one, mind you). All the advanced scientific research for assisted reproduction has taken place very recently. Even now, in the last decade, there is new technology that has changed the nature of IVF, allowing for older women to have more normal pregnancies, by pre-screening embryos before implantation. It's mind-boggling how far assisted reproduction has come in the last few years and how much better the statistics are. Once again, thank you very much God.

And yet, I still have to give myself five shots a day for fifteen days. I still have endured weeks of testing, poking, prodding, etc. As someone who is in the middle of the actual process, I still view it as brutal, barbaric, and painful. And I still can't believe that all some people (most people!) need to do is just have sex.

I do think that maybe in twenty, thirty years, IVF will become an injection-free, much more painless process. And along those same lines, I think chemotherapy will go on the shelf with leeches and bloodletting. I hope we will continue hurtling towards our redemption and that the gifts of technology and science will continue to help and heal us.

Coffee with Amy

2010-02-21T05:51:00.001-05:00

Got together with Amy this week. Amy is someone I was moderately friendly with when I was first married (pre-divorce). She has three kids, all gotten by IVF, so I thought I'd bend her ear a little and get some advice from her.

So we got together at the nearest Bux, and started slurping down the slop, decaff for me since I started my fertility treatment. I do love my Java, even if it's Starbuck's horrible brew (I'm a Dunkin Donuts coffee girl, but Starbucks has nicer cafes). After about an hour, Amy confessed to me that she and Bruce were seeing a marriage counselor. And that she thought about leaving him about three times a day. And, having been down that road myself, did I have any words of wisdom for her.

Eesh. And here I was being all jealous of Amy and everything. She has kids. She is married to a lawyer. She hasn't worked in the entire 15 years she's been married. She's pretty and thin. She strikes me as a happy person. But, she's not.

Bruce, apparently, has trouble telling her he loves her, and so consequently, she feels very unloved. Yes, she hasn't worked since she got married, but that's because she has all these medical issues, and since she's the stay-at-home Mom, she's stuck with all the housework.

"Basically, I am there to be Bruce's slave, to pick up his socks and dry-cleaning, to raise his children, and to have sex with him. Not so fulfilling. I want out."

After I got over the shock wave of her confession and "the grass is always greener" stopped replaying in my head like a old Barry Manilow song that you can't shake, I told her this. I said, if you still love Bruce (she does), keep up the marriage therapy and work on the marriage. Divorce is horrible. It's gut-wrenching and horrible. It's a last resort.

"But it sounds like your divorce saved your marriage," she replied.

I told her that in some weird way, that was true, but that we were not to be used as any sort of example of good marital behavior. What happened to us was very, very unusual. After a year and a half of virtually no contact, my husband decided to do whatever it took to put our marriage back together and to make our marriage work, almost unilaterally, and I followed suit. But you just can't expect that kind of stuff to happen to everyone. We also didn't have kids. "Do you have any idea," I said, "what divorce will do to your kids? Work it out. Figure it out."

Amy cried a lot. She's been through so much with Bruce. Medical issues, religious crises, infertility, financial strains, everything. She and Bruce are an interesting match. Bruce is very bright, overly-educated, frum-from-birth, ex NY'er, a little cold, not very good looking. Amy is model-pretty, midwestern ba'alat teshuvah, not hyper-academic, very warm and spiritual. I wouldn't have put them together. But I am pretty bad at matchmaking. I tend to be very shallow about it. Amy is taller than Bruce. That alone would have thrown me.

I picked Amy's brain about IVF, and found out that she has been through hell-and-back to conceive and give birth to her kids. It's funny, I never really thought of her as an overly strong person. She comes off as a bit ditzy. As I get older, I find more and more that many people are simply not whom they seem to be. (What really throws me is that I am not whom I seem to be.)

Our coffee convo went on for hours, which was unusual because I'm not feeling very social these days. I've been through months of medical testing, had enough blood drawn to create a whole new person, and I'm on a variety of meds that make me cry for no reason. But I couldn't tear myself away from Amy, and she really seemed to need to talk. My heart was breaking for her marriage and for what she's been through and for how hard she was working to keep it all together. I wanted to help, but knew that I couldn't.

I've been so wrapped up in myself, more so than ever lately. I've been slacking off on what little work I have, I stopped returning phone calls and emails from friends, and I haven't been to shul in almost two months. I'm totally focused on this baby thing. Dealing with all this medical testing and insurance issues is an all-consuming full-time job. I don't have the emotional energy to deal with anyone else's stuff. But there was Amy, pouring it all out to me. I listened, I ordered more coffee, and listened some more. It's funny; Amy and I are not particularly close but I find her very easy to talk to.

I've been so narcissistic lately, I forgot that the rest of the world has problems too.

Even more on babies

2010-02-21T05:20:00.001-05:00

I've always thought that my life would make an excellent sit-com. There are times when I simply pause, think about how things are going, and I just want to do a laugh-or-cry thing. Mostly cry.

My family seems to provide an endless supply of material for The Web Girl Show. My mother and siblings and extended family are a jumble of crazy, slightly self-centered wackies. The are also well-meaning and generous to a fault, and I love them all to pieces, but they do make me insane sometimes. Our current crisis is: what shall we name The Child That We Don't Have.

My Mom and siblings know that we are going to do IVF, because, well, I don't see why this is shameful (big difference to me between private and shameful), and they are my family. Understanding our need for privacy and the fact that I am currently being pumped full of mood-altering hormones, they are mostly staying out of it, except for occasionally emailing me some annoying article about assisted fertility or (equally annoying) asking how things are going. But this week, my Mom called.

"I've been thinking about what you should call the baby."

"Mom, there is no baby yet. There might not be a baby. Can we not have this conversation now?"

"You need to think about these things. There will be a baby, God willing. Don't worry about that."

Good grief.

So if The Child That We Don't Have is a boy, his name is a no-brainer. My Dad passed away several years ago and naming a son after him would be an incredible comfort to me. No one expects me to do any differently. My husband totally agrees. My father also had a very nice name. I sometimes think it would be weird to call my son by my father's name, because that when I say it, I think of no one but my father. But I'm sure that will pass with time.

Given that if the The Child That We Don't Have is a male, his name is not really negotiable, I told my husband that if the The Child That We Don't Have is a female, he could pick the name (but I still retain veto power). Truth is, most of my relatives that have passed away already have descendants with their names...same thing on my husband'sside. Picking a daughter's name doesn't seem that urgent to me, as long as it's a pretty, meaningful, Jewish name.

Enter Mom. Mom has a list. A list of female, deceased relatives after whom we are not to name The Child That We Don't Have. Some very definite ideas of female, deceased relatives after whom we are to name The Child That We Don't Have, in a very definite order (first name, middle name). My Mom doesn't make that many requests of me, and I'm a little torn up about this. I"m sort of pushing the whole thing aside, as frankly, the IVF issue alone has me so tense and nervous, that I'm not even thinking about the aftermath. When I tell my husband about this, he laughs and says he hopes this will be our biggest problem.

I can sometimes visualize The Child That We Don't Have. It's sort of genderless and very cute, a total love magnet. I can picture myself lugging it to shul in one of those jogger strollers. I can picture us bringing it home from the hospital, losing myself in being its mother, not giving a damn about work or the stock market or clients or bills. I can picture skyping his/her little image to my Mom and in-laws. I can picture a lot of things, when I let myself. I don't often let myself. Statistically, my chances of having The Child That We Don't Have are not too great.

I have never been so scared in my whole life.

Suicide is Painless

2010-01-18T03:04:00.000-05:00

This is a different twist on a song that is a classic to those of you old enough to remember MASH. I think there is some sort of anti-American thing going on here, though I am too thick to get it. It's actually a really good, metally version.

Faithfully

2010-01-18T02:39:00.002-05:00

This song reminds me of an old, lost love from a very sweet time in my life. Yup. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Always On Your Side

2010-01-18T02:22:00.003-05:00

This song always made me think of my Ex when we were divorced. Probably a good thing. There's something really nice and poignant about this video. If I could be beautiful, I'd be beautiful like Sheryl Crow: just a quietly pretty, graceful older woman. Of course, her politics are incredibly stupid, but she sure can write songs.

Give My Heart a Break

2010-01-18T02:11:00.003-05:00

An oldie but definite hottie. I miss Monte Warden...he never quite made it as a singer, but is a very successful songwriter. Here's to one of my favorite Texas boys.

Monte Warden |MTV Music

My City in Ruins

2009-12-30T07:04:00.002-05:00

This is at the Kennedy Center Awards...Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder is doing the song that Bruce Springsteen wrote after 9/11. It is a near-perfect rendition.

2009-12-30T06:49:00.002-05:00

Frum Satire's Heshy Fried has been contacting other Jewish bloggers about posting paid ads on the bottom of their posts. I'm giving it a whirl. So click on my ads if you are so inclined, and if you are offended by my commercialism, well, tough noogies. Girl's gotta buy shoes.

The nutters have found me (and it only makes me madder)

2009-12-30T05:43:00.011-05:00

I knew I was asking for trouble when I posted this. I received four carefully-worded comments on this post that are clearly from the wackjob get-withholding contingency. They were careful to pay attention to my post enough not to capitalize every letter, and their grammar and diction are near-perfect. But their comments are almost verbatim off their nutter websites, and I recognize the propaganda in their comments. I'm going to exercise the same rights that they do when I attempt to comment on their crazy websites...as proprietor of this blog, I choose not to publish their comments. I don't want to be an instrument of spreading around their insanity.

You see, I know agunahs. I know their ex-husbands. I've spoken to them at length. And here's the thing...I'm about as straight an arrow as you can possibly get when it comes to moral issues and this makes me a very sensitive b.s. meter for when people spin immorality into some version of Torah. And when I talk to these guys, my needle runs into the red. These men are sick, selfish and evil and they cloak themselves very cleverly in Torah. Most of the time, they hide their immorality very well.

Orthodox Judaism is very gender-role oriented. I actually believe that most of the time, this is a good thing. But how I feel about it is sort of irrelevant...it is what it is, and though I do struggle with certain aspects of halacha, I embrace them, because overall, I think Torah is an ideal system. Orthodox Jewish marriage is one of these bizarre legal constructs that is centuries old. It basically involves the husband "acquiring the wife." I don't know a better English word than "acquire" although it is not exactly accurate. It's not the same thing as acquiring a goat or a piece of furniture, as the wife needs to consent and understand what is transpiring (a goat or table does not) and by acquiring the wife, the husband has specific legal obligations toward her. While halachic marriage is one-sided transactionally (the man is actively acquiring, the woman is passively acquired), it is not misogynistic. But since it is the man that is active in the marriage, it is the man that is active in the undoing of the marriage. The man holds the power of the giving of the divorce, the get.

On the positive side, I remember when I stood under my chuppah (both times) thinking that it was extremely cool that my husband was marrying me using the exact same words and the exact same action as my father did when he married my mother, my grandfathers did when they married my grandmothers, my great-grandfathers did when they married my great-grandmothers, etc. I felt like I was part of a giant spiral. On the other hand, when a woman stands under a chuppah with a man, she is putting her life in his hands. She is trusting him that if something goes wrong, he will do the right thing and release her. That is an enormous trust. Think about that. And anytime a husband withholds a get from his wife, for any reason, he betrays that trust and abuses that power.

I'm not saying that all divorces are the man's fault. I'm not saying that women don't play dirty in divorce and custody settlements. Hire a lawyer, rake her over the coals, do whatever you think is right, and defend yourself. But the get needs to be completely off the table. It is difficult for me to believe that God meant for husbands to torment and enslave their wives when He gave the power of the get to men. It was not meant to be used this way, and when men do this, they belittle themselves, halacha and the Torah. When a husband uses a get to extort money from his wife, he becomes a naval b'rshut haTorah, or worse, just a plain thief and extortionist. These men are cruel and often mentally unstable. I've met enough of them.

I've already lived long enough to accept that there are evil people in the world. That part doesn't keep me up at night. What bothers me more is the apathy of otherwise good, giving people when it comes to dealing with these men. People are more willing to advocate against global warming than against get-withholders....what the hell kind of value system does that show? If I owned a store or a restaurant in a Jewish community, I would have a sign up: "If you are withholding a get from your wife, your business is not welcome here." I get furious when I hear about synagogues that allow these men to come in the door. I want to tear my hair out when I hear about a Beis Din that instructs a woman to "just pay her husband off and get it over with." Every time a Beis Din condones this kind of extortion, they open the door for a hundred other men to do the same. The Batei-Din should decree that going forward, all gets that were bought-off with money are invalid. That would stop these extortionists cold. I want to scream when I hear about shadchans setting these losers up with unsuspecting women. And the women who date them, knowing their situation...well, I have no words.

But the evil continues and it remains a large boil on the backside of the Jewish community. It makes me cringe. When I see my Jewish sisters unable to date, remarry, have children, go on with their lives, all because they made the mistake of marrying selfish monsters, my heart breaks.

So think twice before you date one of these nutters. Think twice again before you let him into your home, shul, store, restaurant, or do business with him. Think about what you would do if your daughter or sister became an agunah and her life had to come to a screeching halt. Think hard, because all Bnos Yisroel are your daughters and your sisters, so stand up for them, protect them, and give voice to this injustice.

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Mi K'amcha Yisrael, Goy Echad Ba'aretz

2009-12-29T15:10:00.005-05:00

I think I complain about the religious Jewish community enough, yes? So for a change, I'd like to post on how absolutely wonderful they are. You heard me right.

IVF is not cheap. The whole thing costs roughly $25,000 from start to finish and almost none of that is covered by insurance. My health insurance is very weird. They will cover any procedure or medicine that corrects infertility but absolutely none that will contribute towards a pregnancy. How stupid is that?

Given that my husband and I are now both unemployed and are being kept afloat by the odd contract job here and there, the idea of taking $25,000 out of our savings is not one we relish right now. Nearly a third of that $25,000 is the cost of IVF medicines. The medicines are unbelievably expensive. I've been looking into ways to curtail the costs and take the edge off of the expense.

I spoke to an IVF nurse at an infertility support group about possibly getting in touch with patients who had insurance coverage and are now done with their cycles and have no further use for their leftover meds. She said she's done this before, and she'd put me in touch with patients who would be happy to sell me their leftover meds at a slightly reduced cost from what I would pay at the pharmacy.

Then I visited some infertility support boards online. Again, lots of folks are willing to sell me their extra meds. Sell.

Then I got in touch with a Jewish organization in NY that helps couples deal with infertility. I'm not going to mention their name....they don't engage in any sort of IVF drug dispensing (and actually, they made a point of NOT doing it) but I don't want to connect them to this in any way. Basically, dispensing drugs if you're not a pharmacy or doctor is illegal. This organization refused to let me post any requests on their boards asking for meds (I assume this might have been a legal problem in the past) but I did post a request for information on less expensive medication resources, along with my email address. Ha'mayveen yaveen. I was flooded with emails from women who had extra meds that they were done with and they offered to give them to me. Give. So far, not one of them is willing to even be reimbursed for shipping costs. I am stunned and overwhelmed by their kindness.

So far, I have received offers for about $5,000 worth of medicine that I need.

As far as the illegality of it all, look, we're not talking about dealing heroin here. These are not narcotics, amphetamines or barbiturates. These are fertility drugs and I'll be using them under a doctor's care (my doctor is totally fine with this btw, as long as the drugs are sealed and unexpired). These are extremely expensive drugs that would otherwise go to waste if they are not used.

I am so touched by the kindness shown by these women. These are not women I would typically hang out with. Many of them are from Williamsburg and are Satmar Chassidim. From their emails to me, I can see that quite a few are partially illiterate...their grammar and diction are horrendous. But who cares? Kindness and generosity don't need to write well.

I am trying to think of ways to repay them and all I can think of is to take their Hebrew names and daven for them, since they are in the same infertile boat that I am. I'm also making small donations in their honor at the mikvah here.

See, to me, doing this is a celestial deal-changer. I don't think God will give someone a baby because she is drinking ruby dust or wearing a red string or any of the other kooky segullahs that I've heard about or been offered. But giving a fellow sufferer medications worth thousands of dollars just because you can...I think that is worth quite a lot, and I hope that God will agree and reward these wonderful women in kind for their kindness to me. It's times like these that I really do feel like I belong to a giant family. A giant, dyfunctional family, but one that cares about its members to the point of sacrifice and giving.

"Mi k'amcha Yisrael, goy echad ba'aretz?"

More on babies and how I don't have any.

2009-12-27T03:58:00.004-05:00

Lately, it feels like God is slapping me around a bit in the baby department. Let's make a list:

1) Normal but painful comment#1: Lady at Bat Mitzvah, holding one of her cute little kids in her lap (number 4 or 5) asks me in front of the whole table: "so how many kids do you and your husband have?" Me, not stopping to feel anything: "We don't have kids." Awkward Pause. Awkward Pause. Awkward Pause. Me, filling in space "So are you from the Midwest or did you move here recently?" (like I give a rat's etc.) Later, my shame is exacerbated by the lady telling my friend how sorry she was that she asked me that question and had she known about MY SITUATION, she never would have.

2) Last week in shul, I said to Moriah, new to my community, in front of five of our friends, "Yonatan (her six-year old) is so cute!" She replies "You want him?" Awkward glances exchanged all around. Again, not giving myself a second to feel, I force myself to laugh. I wish people would realize how freakin fortunate they are.

3) I had some blood typing and genetic testing done. (Thank God, all good news). But wouldn't you know that a woman from shul, Ellie, works at the lab, and didn't have the grace or discretion to keep quiet about it. She forwards the results and the bill to me with a little yellow sticky note attached, saying Hello and Good Luck with the fertility stuff, Love Ellie. I wanted to just die. I immediately called my doctor and asked him to never use that lab again for any testing. I could just imagine Ellie coming up to me after davening and saying something like "great news about your estrogen levels, huh!" or "how's the husband's sperm count doing?" while we're ladling out chulent at the kiddush. Kill me now, please. The other labs charge about twice the price, but I don't care.

4) This woman's daughter, whose wedding I attended six months ago, is 4 months pregnant. Just found out on Facebook and forced myself to wish her a "b'sha'ah tovah." Her response? "Thanks. I hope you're okay with this." Shutup.

5) A friend of mine whose husband just lost his job, was very upset about it. She was crying to me over the phone. I told her that at least she still had her job, and that she was in good company because both my husband and I were now both unemployed. She screamed at me (really, hysterical) that it wasn't the same because she had three children to support, and what nerve for me to compare. I said, "Honestly Debbie, I would kill to be worried about how I was going to pay for my three kids' tuition bills right now. " Again, people don't know how lucky they are.

6) Had an initial consult with the doctor. Turns out in my age category, assuming all my chemistry turns out ok, I have between a 10-15% chance of conceiving with IVF. Super. Happily, I also found out that with IVF, they can screen out for Down's Syndrome with a 90% certainty. It occurred to me that those odds are roughly the same.

I'm not as sensitive as I used to be about baby comments and baby-related stuff. I do understand that the whole world has babies and that it is I who is the exception, and that even though these comments bite and sting, they are normal and I need to turn off the emotion. And I do, pretty successfully. But every now and then, it catches up with me and I feel like I can't bear this pain, that it's too much for me already. Then I choke it down and wait for my next test.

Guess who's hiring? Uncle Sam!

2009-12-24T03:50:00.003-05:00

Fascinating article in USA Today. So quick, without looking, tell me, where will you find the highest overall average salary, the government or the private sector?

Bong! If you guessed the private sector, you would be wrong. How wrong?

The average federal worker's pay in 2009 is $71,206, compared with $40,331 in the private sector. Yes, the average salary in the government is 77% higher than in private industry, in the midst of one of the most devastating recessions to hit America.

Now perhaps you don't trust these figures? The salary survey was done by USA Today, which is not exactly a bastion of Conservative or Republican ideology. And they excluded from this survey: the White House, Congress, the postal service, the military and intelligence agencies. I sorta wish they hadn't, but I guess they wanted to be mincingly fair.

Six figure salaries in the federal government have also been on the rise:

"When the recession started, the Transportation Department had only one person earning a salary of $170,000 or more. Eighteen months later, 1,690 employees had salaries above $170,000"

"Federal employees making salaries of $100,000 or more jumped from 14% to 19% of civil servants during the recession's first 18 months — and that's before overtime pay and bonuses are counted."

And not only are gov't jobs on average higher paying, they are also more secure. In a recession that has cost 7.3 million jobs in the private sector, the federal government is hiring! The government is adding jobs at a rate of nearly 10,000/month.

Think about it. Working for the government has got to be the cushiest gig around. Since gov't agencies don't need to show a profit, there is no incentive for competence or excellence, no reasons to trim expenses or cut out bloat. As Michael Medved points out, if you go into a Joe's Diner and get lousy service, you'll be unlikely to tip the waiter and even more unlikely to return to the restaurant or recommend it to your friends. If, say, Apple doesn't sell enough Ipods this month, their investors will dump their stock like stones. Not so with the American government. If I go into a DMV, wait four hours on line, and am treated with rudeness and incompetence, where will I go the next time I need the address on my driver's license changed? Why, back to the DMV. What other choice do I have? What motive is there for the clerk at the DMV to treat me with courtesy or to go the extra mile for me? What motive is there for the directors of the DMV to figure out a way to make their service more efficient and reduce the waiting time? Will they make more money if they do? Sure. But see, they will also make more money if they don't. The DMV will always have me as a customer. Joe's Diner will not. As Medved says, "In every sense, private, for-profit businesses are more directly and immediately accountable to the public than are taxpayer supported bureaucracies."

Parenthetically, think about this when you consider the possibility of government-run health care. You doing the math? If I have to go back to the DMV three or four times to get my new license plates, that is inconvenient. If I have to go back three or four times to get my new kidney, well, that is just a whole different story, yes? But I digress.

Lest you think that gov't employees suffer in the benefits dept., uh no, they don't. If you work for the federal government, you will receive a generous insurance package and pension plan, along with mandated paid sick, overtime and vacation time. Do all or even most jobs in the private sector guarantee that?

This is your money funding these salaries and packages, taxpayers. Do you get these sorts of perks?

Thinking back on the anger that was expressed over the AIG raises and the rage over the salaries of the top CEO's of some of the bailout companies, I wonder if we will apply the same standards to the bloated salaries of our largely incompetent federal government. I think the American people are at a crossroads now, and we've got some important choices to make. Are we going to continue down the path of being a people of the government or do we want to reinstate a government of the people?

Anti-Agunah Nutters

2009-12-22T04:08:00.002-05:00

Why is it that all those maniacs who support Jewish men who are withholding gets (divorces) from their wives speak in capital letters nearly half the time? They also seem to use really, really bad grammar and spelling. And they repeat things a lot.

I don't get the whole thrill behind torturing agunahs. Haven't they been through enough? I also don't get anyone who supports someone who withholds a get. What is that all about?

The few people I know who fall into these categories are always one or two sandwiches short of a picnic. They tend to be pathological liars, very insecure, misogynistic and full of themselves.

I don't want to post links to any of their crazy, messed-up websites, because I don't want to give them free publicity. They seem to have a lot of free time and I don't want any of them finding me and sending me vicious hate mail. I got four ugly hate mails this week alone. I have enough to deal with.

But, single Jewish chicks, if you meet a man who has withheld a get for any reason (or is still withholding one), run the other way like you are on fire. These guys are generally crazy/evil/power-hungry like nobody's business. And if you casually know one of these bastards, don't loan them money, don't get involved with them, don't engage. Some of these dudes are major sociopaths.

That said, I will shrink back into my anonymity and hope they stay away from my blog. But you have been warned.

Gluttony

2009-12-19T22:57:00.003-05:00

I was out of town this past weekend at a Bat Mitzvah in the midwest. My friends, the hosts, are rather wealthy, and put out QUITE a spread at the kiddush in shul. QUITE a spread. There was some really, really good food and quite a lot of it.

So why do normally calm, polite, courteous people think it's okay to behave like animals at kiddushes? I watched in awe as people shoved, pushed, climbed over each other, reached around people, etc. to get to the food. I watched them pile about 3 or 4 meals worth of pastrami, chicken, chulent, deli-roll, dolmas, rice, wings, oh, and of course, salad on their plates. These are not starving, under-fed people. These are people who just conducted themselves with the utmost decor while immersed in prayer. And then as soon as the food came out, they sank to the lowest levels of gluttony.

I didn't even try to reach any of the food tables. No way I was going to fight that throng of animals. I stood in line at the drinks bar (at least there was a line) and waited patiently for my Diet Coke while four people cut in front of me. I watched as a man ordered a scotch (a very expensive brand) while he continuously popped 1, 2, 3, 4 rolls of pastrami into his mouth with his fingers. Not sure if he even chewed. I looked over as a waitress tried to bring a heavy-looking tray of brisket spears to the buffet, and never made it, as people stopped her to grab the meat off the tray before she even put it down. Watched as someone tore off a hunk of bread before the Bat Mitzvah girl's father could even make haMotzei on the two enormous challahs. Watched as someone dove into the relish platter with his fingers because someone else was using the serving utensil.

Of course I joked about this with my friends, who waited a full hour until the tables thinned out a bit before they even tried to get some food. But why is this behavior deemed acceptable? The Christians have named gluttony as one of their seven deadly sins. Why have we set the bar so much lower when it comes to this sort of behavior? Why do we laugh off rudeness and piggery? Aren't we classier than this?

Bad Writing, Randy, and Tikkun Olam

2009-12-16T15:41:00.001-05:00

I find it fascinating that so few people can really write.

I don't consider myself to be a great writer. I consider myself to be a decently good writer. I think I'm generally a clear communicator, both verbally and on paper. The blog has been somewhat of a practice field, but not really, since this writing is very casual, very colloquial, and pretty much whatever the heck I want it to be. But I've written in other arenas as well.

Ok, now I feel really self-conscious about every word that I'm putting down. Gonna ignore that feeling.

I'm working on a grant-funded project for one of the Jewish organizations in my community. That project involves submitting a summary report to the grant powers-that-be at the end of the year. One of the requirements of the grant is that we hire a Jewish communal professional consultant and pay them $6,000 to evaluate the project and help with the reporting. I view this in the same way I would view taking a hundred dollar bill, setting it on fire, and using it as a shamash when I light Chanukah candles. A superb waste of money. But it's a grant and we are using other people's money for great things, and if they want me to throw away some of it on this, I will. They make the rules. So it goes with non-profits.

So my organization conducted a formal search for the top Jewish communal professionals in our midst, and after some whittling away of inappropriate people, we get to Randy. Randy is a colorful guy. He worked for many years for a Jewish cultural and educational organization that (IMHO) does nothing. He set out on his own now as a consultant. Randy is Reconstructionist/Reform, but incredibly respectful and knowledgeable about Modern Orthodoxy. I don't really get what he does, but I don't get what most Jewish communal professionals do. Frankly, I don't get much of the whole non-profit education and social advocacy world. I operate in tangibles. I get, for example, teaching. I get mentoring. I get rituals and rabbinics. I get social services. I get ladling soup in a food pantry. I get most advocacy, on some level (for tangible causes). These are good, good things. I get these things.

But I don't get what Randy does. I'm reading over his proposal to us, and he has hit all the important keywords like engage, navigate, organic, pluralistic, sensitivity, differentiated instruction, empower, shared. His sentences have subjects, verbs, and objects. But I'm reading it over and over again, and I have no clue what he is saying. His writing is bad, really bad. And this is the man who is going to be paid $150/hour for forty hours to help me write up a report. This is something I find astounding. Randy came highly recommended and is at the top of his field, whatever that field actually is or means. We practically had to beg him to take us on as a client because his dance card is pretty full right now.

His proposal is remarkably amateurish and juvenile. For starters, Randy got the name of his client wrong (mixed us up with another organization with a similar name). He also got the name of the program wrong. He pegged our population wrong. He calls our Rabbi, who is Rabbi Andrew Lastname "Reb Andy." He wrote almost the entire proposal in italics. And somehow he manages to charge $150/hour and get away with this.

I have never had a conversation about the Jewish-world-at-large with Randy without eventually hearing him talk about "tikkun olam." Tikkun Olam, for non-MOTs, literally means "fixing the world." It is the secular Jewish catchphrase of the 21st century. Tikkun Olam is used to justify every pee cee liberal social cause there is (even those that are halachically questionable). Support Gay marriage? Of course, Tikkun Olam. Going green? Yes, Tikkun Olam. In favor of government run health care? Certainly, Tikkun Olam. In the secular Jewish world, T. O. has basically replaced Torah and Halacha as the Jewish justification for doing good. Of course there are no real defining parameters to T.O.; it's just a "do what feels right" kinda thing. I bristle when I hear those highly overused words. Ich.

Randy is very into Tikkun Olam. When he starts talking that T.O. stuff, I just disengage. I've often told him that he should leave the whole T.O. talk in Temple, because religious Jews tend to gag on that rhetoric. He's thinks I'm cynical.

And while we're on the topic of rhetoric, oh, can he spin it. Pounds and pounds of it. He could give Barak Obama a run for his money in the rhetoric department; he is that good. At least when he speaks his rhetoric, he is understandable. When he writes his rhetoric, he is impossible.

But I digress.

Randy is actually a sweet, bright, well-meaning guy. I want so much to like him. But he makes it so difficult.

Put on your yarmulkah....

2009-12-12T20:02:00.010-05:00

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Happy Birthday NJG!

2009-12-06T03:56:00.001-05:00

Here's wishing Nice Jewish Guy a wonderful 29th birthday! EOM

The Most Annoying Facebook Friend on Planet Earth

2009-11-19T03:14:00.004-05:00

In my "real life," I am pretty active on Facebook. I like it. It's also quite helpful. It's helped me find freelance gigs, helped me find reasonable contractors to work on my home, helped me to set some friends up on blind dates, and helped me to promote a friend's political hobbies. Very, very helpful. It's also fun. I can wax rhetoric on politics, religion, relationships, etc. Of course, I do that here too, but here it's anonymous. Over there it's me. And I do enjoy it when my friends jump into the fray. I love a good debate.

But I like to argue with thinkers. With people who are intellectually honest. With people who may not agree with me, but at least are well-meaning, intelligent, funny, and smart.

A while back, a guy, let's call him Ricky, friended me. I searched my memory banks for how I knew Ricky, and it seemed that we dated very briefly when I was in my twenties. Very, very briefly. I have a flash of a memory of throwing a perfectly good bouquet of roses in the trash. If it's the same guy, I think I dumped Ricky for good cause.

So Ricky friends me. It's a million years later and we are both married to other people, and I figure, ok Ricky, I'll be your friend. Ricky is a very green, very liberal, somewhat socialist-leaning, government-will-take-care-of-all-your-problems, very progressive lobbyist in Washington. But that's not the part that annoys me. I actually have one other friend who is a prominent member of a progressive D.C. think-tank, and though his posts are as leftist as the sun is bright, at least he is a thinker. I disagree with him on everything, but he considers before he posts. I actually enjoy shredding his posts and he enjoys attacking mine. We mix it up and it's good for both of us. But that's not Ricky.

No, Ricky is a feeler. Worse, he is totally in the tank and won't consider any other points of view. He posts long-winded, idiotic diatribes about how the earth is on its way to being destroyed because of carbon dioxide emissions, how George Bush is Satan, how Barack Obama will save us, how all Republicans (especially me) hold Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity up as their intellectual gods, how he feels practically orgasmic about recycling, etc. He cites left wing blog post editorials as facts, even if they are not and they usually are not. He has no sense of humor. He takes everything, EVERYTHING, seriously. He cites silly, irrelevant, source-free statistics that no one believes. He spouts seriously ignorant urban legends about Judaism (he's Jewish But Clueless). He is difficult to argue with because he discards facts as they become available. He argues like a child. I want to flick him off my Facebook friend list like a gnat. But I can't.

Why can't I? Because 1) I don't want him to think that I unfriended him because he is a liberal or because I disagree with him. I have been unfriended because people find me too conservative and I think it's small-minded of them. No, I want to unfriend him because he is annoying. 2) He is a very sensitive guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know you think this is silly, but this is the kind of guy who would email me after the unfriending and ask where he went wrong (oh God) and along those lines: 3) I think when we were were dating, I dumped him badly. Very badly. I have residual guilt. Finally, and this is a side of myself that I don't particularly like: 4) a part of me is fascinated by how utterly annoying he can be. He comments on at least every other status update, and virtually every link I post. He "likes" almost everything. He has verbally insulted my husband in a political argument. My hyperintellectual husband loves to hate this guy and thinks I should keep him on just for giggles. But I hate myself for wanting to be irritated by him. He's too easy.

I wish there were some way to keep him from seeing my posts without unfriending him. Advice, dear readers?

WebGirl on the Dole

2009-11-13T03:30:00.004-05:00

So, apparently, I've now worked long enough for an agency as a W2 employee to qualify for unemployment benefits. I've been taking odd freelance assignments and contracts here and there almost exclusively through this agency because they seem to have good work. But the company is reorganizing and now only subcontracting accounting-related work, so I have been officially laid off, and they've informed me that I can now file for good old unemployment. This is brand new territory for me; I received unemployment only once before when I was much younger.

Well, the world has changed! It is a rosy, cushy world for the unemployed, thanks to the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 as well as some other fun laws. I thought I'd share some of the new perks that await me.

1) As one of my working benefits, I had allocated $2,500 into a medical flex account. I figured with all the unreimbursed medical expenses coming up with my fertility treatments, I would zip through that in no time. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it basically means that as long as I spend down this amount on approved medical expenses, the money is tax free. They had been deducting this from my income a little bit at a time off of my sporadic paychecks. To date, they have only withheld $250. Well, guess what? I can still spend down the rest of the account, even though I haven't contributed to it. That's $2,250 coming to me (for use only for medical expenses, but still) that is not only tax-free, but utterly unearned. Free money. Net perk, $2,250.

2) I was using this company's medical insurance and I am now eligible to COBRA it. But monthly COBRA for my husband and me will be in the neighborhood of $700. Ah, but guess what? As long as we don't jointly make $250,000 this year (we won't), the government will fork over 65% of our COBRA payments for 9 months! For nuthin! That brings our medical insurance down to $245, a mere song. And since I have a lot of other 1099 income, COBRA payments are tax deductible for me. Why thank you, federal government. And thank you, readers, since that is your tax money paying for my health insurance. Net perk is $455 x 9 = $4,095

3) Assuming I qualify for the highest unemployment payout, which is about $500/week, and figuring on about 7-8 weeks left to the year, the first $2,400 of that is TAX FREE as long as I receive it during 2009. Talk about incentive not to work! Tax free $2,400 is almost like taxable $3,600 gross, for basically doing, well, nothing. I'll take that. Net perk is the taxes I would have paid on the $2,400, or around $800.

4) While you're collecting unemployment, you can actually work and earn up to 25% of your unemployment benefit, and not lose a penny of the unemployment money. So say my weekly benefit is $500. That means I can still work small contracts as long as they pay $125 or less. Incentive to work, but not to work that hard. Net perk if I decide to take small contracts for the next, say, until the end of the year will be around $875.

All told, my perks will be a little over $8,000 (excluding my actual unemployment benefits). Thanks fellow taxpayers! That's your money.

I have mixed feelings about taking these benefits. One part of me is screaming "you've paid your taxes and if the government wants to give you a perk-filled unemployment period, enjoy. It's not in your control." On the other hand, I feel like some of these perks are almost ridiculous, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. It's hard to turn down legal, string-free money though. We'll see. Will you respect me in the morning?

I Want You Back

2009-11-12T17:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, you mix weird ingredients together and get a really, really good dish. I give you KT Tunstall doing the Jackson Five. It's REALLY good. Who'da thunk.

On Being an UnMom

2009-11-09T06:06:00.003-05:00

So now that I am miraculously, unbelievably, but quite apparently happily married, (I'm happily married! How did that happen?), one would think my life would be, well, good? Yes?

No.

I'm in my mid-forties. And we don't have kids. And it sucks.

Pretty much 98% of all my married and divorced friends have kids. I live in a world of parenthood. One of my volunteer gigs is at the local day school. My synagogue is crawling with children and pregnant women. I have siblings and siblings-in-law who want and expect me to have a great deal of involvement with my nieces and nephews. I have children and children-related stuff coming out of my ears. But none of these children are mine. I am an UnMom.

So I finally sucked up my courage and made an appointment with the best reproductive endocrinologist in the state. Literally. Apparently this man has gotten half my shul pregnant. So to speak. I have to wait about a month for the appointment, but he is supposedly The Man.

I've been married for more than six months now. I put off the whole fertility treatment thing because for some reason, I thought that since I was actually in a good, honest, wholesome marriage now, maybe God would just toss me a pregnancy or two. But it's not happening. I've never been pregnant. Ever.

It's gotten to the point where, in consoling a friend of mine for her third miscarriage, the following incredibly stupid sentence came out of my mouth: "well at least you know what it's like to be pregnant." Yeah. I said that. She is a good enough friend to understand the place of extreme narcissistic pain from which that comment emerged. She actually sort of laughed and said that was the first honest thing anyone has said to her since she lost the baby.

The funny thing is, there is nothing medically wrong with me or my husband. We got tested in the first version of our marriage. Nothing wrong but our ages, that is. But all my chemistry was supposedly in good working order, even considering my age. It just didn't happen. I figured if you added the stress of a horrible marriage into the equation, that probably kept me from conceiving. Or maybe it was the lack of magical pixie dust. Who the hell knows?

That's the thing about this whole fertility thing. Lots of it comes around to plain old mystery. And helplessness. And pain. Long, deep, pain. It's a whole other kind of abyss from the pain of divorce or singleness. It's sharper and nastier and makes jagged, messy cuts. You wake up every morning, and the pain says to you: you think you're in control of your body? Hah! Guess again, loser. No baby today. No baby for you. Loser! UnMom!

And the pity. Good Lord, the pity from my friends is the worst. The look-exchanging. The offers of being called "Auntie WebGirl." Seriously, if you know a childless woman, don't offer her auntdom of your kids. It's so demeaning. Think.

In-vitro fertilization treatment cost between $20-25,000. And in some states (like mine), none of that is covered by health insurance. Yeah. It's like they are saying, not only are you a loser because you can't have a kid on your own, but now we're going to gut your savings account. Ha ha.

Ha ha.

And what does The Husband have to say about all this? Well, he's confident that if we do IVF, we'll have a kid. He's completely, ridiculously confident. Even when I quote the horrible, bleak statistics, he just ignores it all. He won't say anything negative. He won't think anything negative. He just tells me we should go in there, throw money at the doctors, inject me full of hormones twice a day for two months, etc. and the baby will happen. It just will. Of course it will. Why would God get us to this point and then not give us a kid? Why indeed.

My favorite part of being my friends' token Childless Woman is hearing the stories of miracle babies. Yes, I'm being incredibly sarcastic. "WebGirl, my sister-in-law's best friends brother's wife just had twins at 47. 47!! Isn't that amazing?" Yes sirree Bob, I've heard all the stories. You would think that women over 40 are just exploding with babies, based on all the stories I hear! Why, we are just dropping babies like bunnies, aren't we!

The reason these stories are dumb is because all of them, every single one of them, are exceptional. For every woman over 40 who has had a healthy live birth, there are dozens of others who are having multiple miscarriages, or can't conceive at all, or have had babies with birth defects or genetic disorders, etc. The urban legends are the rare successes. So please. Again. You know that friend of yours who is over 40 and is childless? Don't tell her any damn stories. The stories don't give us hope. They just make us jealous. And they even reinforce our hopelessness. Frankly, everything reinforces my hopelessness. Yeah. I'm not an upbeat kind of gal.

So I have an appointment in a month. My friend who did IVF at 35 warned me that the first thing this doctor will do is recommend that I use donor eggs. I'm not doing that. Forget it. I almost don't see the point. I want my own children. My own genetic children. Doesn't everyone?

I'm scared of the appointment. I'm scared that I'll get tested and the doctor will tell me that my chances of getting pregnant are next to zero. That my eggs are not viable. That my body is broken. That I will never be a mother, (but good news, I can always be an auntie!). I'm so scared.

I took one of those (probably useless) home fertility tests, because I have strong masochistic leanings. It came out fertile. But what does it know? I'm old. I'm so freakin old.

My friend from high school is marrying off her daughter next month. Another friend who is a year older than me is a grandmother, three times over. You cannot imagine how much cognitive dissonance this creates in me. And how much it hurts.

One of my friends is begging me to go see this mekubal guy in New York, who apparently will give me ruby dust to drink and get me pregnant. See, this sort of wacky segulah stuff tests the limits of my faith. Will God, who holds the key to conception, give me a child because I drink ruby dust? I'm thinking, no. My faith doesn't include magical potions.

So what do I do, dear readers, ask you to pray for Webgirl bas Webgirl's Mom? I have so many friends praying for me, baking challah for me, saying Tehillim for me. Will it break through? Will it help? What will change God's mind? Will He remember me? Can God really forget someone? Is God waiting for me to drink ruby dust? Pixie dust? I don't think so. I don't know what to think. I sort of go a little cognitively and spiritually gray when I think about my infertility. It dulls the pain a little.

And will my life have any value if God decides not to give me a child? Hmm. I guess that's the big giant question, huh. Who will I teach things to? What about when I die? Who will be my heir? Who will inherit my stuff? Who will say kaddish for me? Who will remember me? Who will care?

Infertility cuts like a knife. A nasty, serrated, rusty knife. So, enough wound opening for today. Time to go gray again.

Good news! They like us! They really like us!

2009-10-09T18:51:00.004-04:00

This article is by far the stupidest thing I have read all week.

We are popular with the world again.

Are we in 7th grade? Is being popular in the world a national, American goal? Is this something our Founding Fathers dreamed of?

I cannot believe that there are people who are stupid enough to think this is important. David Ignatius, hats off to you. You have said the dumbest thing I have heard in a long time.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-09T11:05:00.000-04:00

I give up. Uncle.

The Secret Lives of Housewives

2009-10-08T10:52:00.002-04:00

I graduated college at a pretty young age, nineteen, and have basically been working ever since then. Except for brief periods of unemployment lasting a few weeks here and there, I've been very fortunate about getting work. I've never really had long stretches of time where my life was completely my own. I've always been in some sort of structured, scheduled environment. Even when I was working for myself, I was rigorous about my schedule and very disciplined about my work routines.

I recently moved to an Out-of-Town (read: not in New York) community where the job market in my field is horrific. Absolutely sucky. I've been here about three months and outside of a few meager freelance projects, I've had no work. Realistically, my prospects of getting a position in the next few months are rather bleak. Yup. My husband is supporting me.

I'm going to say those words again.

My husband is supporting me. My husband is supporting me. My husband is supporting me.

For some reason, it's hard to get those words out. I feel weird and conflicted and guilty about not working. We don't have kids (yet). I'm very good at my profession and have high-income earning potential. We really need the money. There's not a whole lot to do around the house. Well, there's always something, but it's mostly mind-numbing drudgery. When I say mind-numbing drudgery, I'm not speaking in hyperbole. I could fill up my day with mind-numbing drudgery, like reducing the endless piles of laundry that scream at me from the kitchen (Sort me! Sort me!), or space-bagging the overflow of the linen closets, or organizing and re-organizing the "Costco shelf" in the garage. There are the trips to pick up The Husband's dry-cleaning, or buying things we need at Walmart or at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I could spend hours trolling Bed, Bath & Beyond, clutching my 20% off coupons that never expire (never!), feeling my brain cells jumping ship as I think to myself "lemon zester....do we need a lemon zester? Have I been wanting to zest lemons recently?"

There is a lot of that sort of stuff in my life right now. But there's also more meaningful things to do. I'm back in the Jewish community here and I've firmly re-entrenched myself in volunteer work. I'm on the board of an organization that I care about, I teach the occasional class here and there, and I'm doing a few hours a week at the kosher food bank. I'm raising money for one of the schools here. I'm making meals for people who have just come back from the hospital.

I'm bored. I'm so bored I could cry. Actually, I have cried, quite a lot. Twice I cried really bad. The Husband wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

I'm not sure why I'm not enjoying this more. There is something about waking up and kissing your spouse goodbye as he toddles off to work and having the whole day yawn wide in front of you that is utterly depressing.

I have friends who are housewives who are bright, capable women, and they are exhausted all the time. Why are they exhausted? What are these secret lives that they lead that make them tired and fulfill them as my work used to do for me? And as I reluctantly embrace my unemployment, how do I access that feeling that I am doing something useful and good even though I'm not working?

Let me explain right off that I don't have a feminist bone in my body. I'm comfortable and secure with the gender role-oriented aspects of modern Orthodox Judaism and always have been. This is not me trying to prove something or trying to compete in some way. I just want to work.

I just want to work.

I know it would be different if we had kids to raise. But right now, we don't. And I don't know where to put myself. I can't do another Walmart run. I can't even look at the washing machine. I don't want to make any more stuffed cabbage and I don't want to vacuum. I don't want to make packages at the food bank. I want to work.

And while I'm ranting on about the joys of housewifery, let me say some particularly unpeecee things about househusbandry. We have these friends from shul, a young couple, who are very young and stupid. She works, he stays home with their baby. I have to say, (and I know I'm going to get flamed for this but whatever) I have never known a guy who was a "househusband" who wasn't a little strange. Granted, I've only known four couples where this is the case, but thinking about these men, they are all either 1) too lazy and unmotivated to pursue a career or 2) trying to prove some social feminist point that no one really gives a damn about anyway or 3) equipped with a history of mental illness. Seriously. I know there are statistics and studies etc. that bear out that househusbandry is perfectly normal and productive and okay, but I've yet to encounter this sort of setup where the players are not, well, weird. And frankly, some of their kids turn out even weirder.

Ok, back to me. I woke up at 7am today and made my husband breakfast and then spent 8am-9am in bed with a good library book. At 9am I got dressed (no sweats, I will not wear sweats, no I will not) and headed down to Walgreen's to pick up bandaids and shampoo. At 9:25am, I sobbed silently in my car, just for a few minutes. At 9:45am, I sat down at my computer to blog about it. And so it goes. Tomorrow I will do it all over again, different episode, same show.

I'm not cut out for the housewife gig, I think. I'm just not.

Checking in

2009-09-24T19:03:00.003-04:00

So here's something new.

I'm happy.

Yup. I'm actually happy. I'm not thrilled, ecstatic, on Cloud 9, over the moon. But, I'm happy.

I know a happy blogger doesn't exactly make for the most interesting posts. Hope I don't sound like a blithering idiot. Maybe that's why I haven't written in my blog so much these past few months. I started my blog as an outlet, a place to put all the mental energy and dust that got kicked up during my divorce, the divorce that shook my world to pieces. I just don't have that much to kvetch about.

Scratch that. I actually have a lot to kvetch about. I need a job. I have a very small biological window left to have a baby and I'm worried sick about it. We're short on money. My move here was a nightmare. My mom and siblings are driving me crazy, crazy, crazy. My house is still not unpacked and in need of some major fixing up. My community needs money. I need to have some minor (very minor) surgery next week. One of our contractors stole money from us. My car is badly in need of some body work and we can't afford it. I'm middle aged. Etc. Etc.

But these problems are all just part of being awake every morning. I don't expect life to be free of problems. That doesn't happen till you're, well, dead.

Truth is, I greet every day astounded at my lack of unhappiness. I think I've been unhappy for so long, I didn't really recognize the feeling of being happy. My miserable marriage, followed by my sad divorce....nearly a decade spent steeped in unhappiness. No wonder. I'm flexing new muscles. I'm getting laugh lines.

Well, thank you, God. Seriously. Thanks for turning my dear husband around and showing him that if we each devote ourselves to making the other person happy, we will have a good life together, and we will build something. Thanks for helping me change. Thanks for giving me something to work with. Most of all, thanks for a second chance. I owe you one.

Shana tovah.

Fixing up our little nest

2009-09-17T12:50:00.004-04:00

We've spent the last few months doing stuff to our house. Starting off a new marriage in an old house can drag you down...we wanted our external environment to be as fresh and different as possible. We've done quite a lot on a very, very limited budget. Since money is tight for most people these days, I thought I'd share some stuff I've learned along the way:

1) the cheapest and most effective facelift you can give your home is a paint job. What a difference a little fresh paint makes. We used a painter, but if your funds are seriously tight, do it yourself.

2) paint all your ceilings white, no matter what.

3) use Facebook to get recommendations from friends on contractors. Get a million estimates before you hire someone. Estimates are free. You will eventually find someone who fits your budget and does good work.

4) Home Depot takes Lowe's coupons, expired or not. Lowes takes unexpired Home Depot coupons. Sears will usually match Lowe's and Home Depot prices on appliances...don't be afraid to bargain. Lowe's 10% off coupons are available at the post office, in change-of-address kits. Grab five of them at a time. I buy nothing at HD or Low's without a coupon.

5) Another way to do cheap updates that make a difference is to change doorknobs, drawer pulls, handles, switchplates, socket covers, toilet seats, towels, lighting fixtures. You can get much of this stuff very cheaply online.

6) when decorating, use odd numbers when displaying things. Put out five plates, not four. Put out three vases, not two.

7) Use Craigslist, but very, very carefully, because there are a lot of weirdos out there. Hire lawn guys from Craigslist, but don't necessarily hire contractors that need to come into your house. Never give a contractor money in advance, no matter how trustworthy they seem. If they need to buy supplies or paint at a store, have a store call you from the register for a credit card number. They do it all time.

8) Go on Freecycle.org and look for posts on people giving away painter's tape, ceiling paint, clean dropcloths, etc. And when you are done with your paint job, freecycle your stuff as well.

9) A good handyman is priceless. Get one through recommendations. Wait until you have at least five things he can do and have him come and fix/install it all at once...you'll save the multiple traveling costs and it's so nice to get a bunch of stuff fixed.

10) If you're doing ongoing renovations, go into home improvement stores periodically to check out the floor sales. I stopped in one day and got a Moen faucet for our sink for $50, just because they were on overstock sale. I got a stainless steel refrigerator for $400, because it was the floor model.

11) if you're painting and driving yourself crazy with color choices, rather than just choose a color and hope it works, invest $3 and buy a color sample and throw it up on the wall. We made one bad mistake in a bedroom and had to pay the painter to repaint it (and buy new paint). We should have bought five or six color samples instead.

12) do things in stages. Don't try to do everything at once. Get your floors done. Pause. Get your repairs done. Pause. Get your painting done. Take a breather. Then get your window treatments. Put up some shelves. Go slowly or you will make bad choices.

13) Nothing gives a house a quickie external face lift and curb appeal like painting the front door. Make sure to use a semi-gloss finish and exterior paint...the elements are tough on paint.

14) Another cheapola face lift that brightens everything...have your windows professionally cleaned. Suddenly, the sun will come in.

Feel free to post your home reno tips here. Could use some ideas about low-cost window treatments.

Those who cling

2009-08-17T00:36:00.006-04:00

I've been connecting to lots of old friends in Out-of-Town and it's been quite nice.

Last week, we were invited to a couple's house for Friday night dinner, and imagine my surprise when I saw Jessie there. Who's Jessie? Jessie is a great woman. She's fun. She's funny. She's nice. She's offbeat, interesting, and always great to talk to. I was quite friendly with her a few years ago when I first lived in Out-of-Town, but I had to let our friendship fade and disappear. See, the problem with Jessie is that she never lets go. Never. Lets. Go.

When we invited her for Shabbos meals, she would always stay for at least an hour to two hours after everyone had gone home. At first, I was sort of pleased and flattered that such a nice, funny woman would choose to hang out with me (The Husband always went to take a Shabbos nap) when she could have gone home any time. But it got tedious and old really quickly. I too wanted a nap, or at least to have some facetime with The Husband. But every single time we invited Jessie over, she hung out long after it was time to go home. She was The Guest Who Never Left. Sometimes, if we had her for lunch, she would end up staying for Shalosh-seudos, and then eventually for Havdallah, and then one time even went to the movies with me and The Husband on Saturday night ("I'm such a third wheel! You don't mind, do you?"). Sometimes she would ask me to go out during the week, and occasionally, because she was a fun, likable person, I'd willingly agree. But then she'd come back to the house with me and hang out for hours. Of course, eventually, I would start gently hinting, and she almost always took the bait. Almost always.

Sometimes she'd bring a ridiculously extravagant hostess gift, like the $80 Sharper Image corkscrew I'd mentioned we wanted but would never buy for ourselves, and then I'd feel horribly guilty about hinting that she should leave. She was single (never married), lived far away at the very edge of the eruv, and her kashrut was definitely not up to our standards, so she really couldn't reciprocate and invite us back, and so was always trying to do nice things for us "to pay us back," which we insisted was not necessary, but there she was. She called too often and sometimes at odd hours, and was hard to get off the phone.

Finally, I introduced her to some other friends of mine who had large lively Shabbos tables, and they started inviting her too. As soon as I realized that she had other places to eat on Shabbos, I stopped inviting her, and, I'm a little ashamed to say, stopped returning her calls. I'm not very proud of the way I handed her off.

My friends reported to me that she did the same thing to them in terms of sinking in her tenterhooks and not letting go. It was pretty clear that no matter how great Jessie was, she had some major self-esteem issues. I was willing to bet that this was one of the reasons that she never married, as I find that most guys like clinginess as much as they like garlic breath, and tend to run quickly from both. One of my friends that apparently had taken a real liking to Jessie even decided to get brutally honest with her and talk to her about her slightly obsessive clinginess, and how it turned people off, but Jessie was less than receptive, and told her that people liked to be engaged by other people. Yes, but....

So, it was with mixed feelings that we ran into Jessie last week. As usual, she held up her end of the conversation with wit and humor, and was a pleasure to talk to. She asked me about going out for coffee this week, and (after The Husband delivered a gentle reminder kick under the table,) I politely declined, though she was so engaging and interesting, I was tempted. But coffee with Jessie was practically a long term committment, and I could not afford to fall into that abyss again. We bade her a goodnight and good Shabbos as we left, and she was just settling in on the couch with the newspaper, even though our host had already retired to bed and our hostess was about to get into a robe. Jessie clings like liquid soap.

I wonder about people like Jessie who have so much going for them, but don't know when to let go. It is so utterly against my nature to impose myself into other people's lives, I can't even get my head around why she does this. I can understand why someone with less going for them would do it, but Jessie seems to have it together. As I said, she's very likable, and she's attractive, with an interesting job to boot. She could have a great circle of friends if only she stopped the clinging. Sad. Self-awareness is everything.

Free Granola Bar

2009-08-17T00:10:00.002-04:00

Here and here. (Doublecheck the hechshers.)

Free Subscription to Spin

2009-08-17T00:06:00.000-04:00

Here.

Free Black Crowes Download

2009-08-17T00:04:00.001-04:00

Here.

Free Dave Matthews Downloads

2009-08-16T23:50:00.000-04:00

Here.

The Latest Assinine Comment on Healthcare from the Leader of the Free World

2009-08-16T20:42:00.004-04:00

President Obama, at a Town Hall Meeting on August 11:

"All I'm saying is let's take the example of something like diabetes, one of --- a disease that's skyrocketing, partly because of obesity, partly because it's not treated as effectively as it could be. Right now if we paid a family -- if a family care physician works with his or her patient to help them lose weight, modify diet, monitors whether they're taking their medications in a timely fashion, they might get reimbursed a pittance. But if that same diabetic ends up getting their foot amputated, that's $30,000, $40,000, $50,000 -- immediately the surgeon is reimbursed. Well, why not make sure that we're also reimbursing the care that prevents the amputation, right? That will save us money."

Oh my Freakin Freakin Lord Amightee. Did the President of the United States of America just imply that American doctors would rather amputate their patient's leg than prevent the disease that called for the amputation for the money? Did he actually just say that?

Here're just a few of the many, many things that are wrong with this statement:

Are you freakin kidding me?
The doctor who counsels the patient (general practitioner, internist, or endocrinologist) is not the same doctor who cuts off the leg (surgeon).
According to the American College of Surgeons, "Medicare pays a surgeon between $740 and $1,140 for a leg amputation. This payment also includes the evaluation of the patient on the day of the operation plus patient follow-up care that is provided for 90 days after the operation. Private insurers pay some variation of the Medicare reimbursement for this service." So Mr. President, not $50,000, not $40,000, not even $30,000. Around a thousand. Yeah, that's big bucks.
How is this an argument for government-run health care?
Are you FREAKIN KIDDING ME?

Does President Obama consult with anyone before he spouts pure, offensive, wrong, crap like this?

And where, exactly, is the outrage?

Feeling married (or not).

2009-08-11T17:40:00.003-04:00

When will I stop feeling like a divorcee?

Given that we are born into this world single, you would think that it's sort of the natural, default setting for who we are, and how we feel about ourselves. I think though, that since most of the mainstream, "normal" world gets married in their twenties and spends the rest of their lives with one other person (Isn't that the mainstream, normal world? Isn't it?), feeling married takes over as the default setting for how one feels about oneself. Your average adults spend much more of their lives married than they do as singles.

And divorce, of course, screws everything up. Bluescreen.

I got married in my early thirties, and so it took a while for my settings to switch from single to married, but they happily did. In the first few years of my marriage, I couldn't imagine feeling any other way. Subsequently, divorce shook me to my core and of course, I went through months of self-redefinition, as any divorced person will have to do. Hard reboot.

So I suppose when divorcees get remarried, that redefinition recurs, only the settings adjust themselves to the new spouse. This is how it feels to be married to Spouse #2. It feels different from being married to Spouse #1. It feels different from being single. It feels different from being divorced. It's new. But it's a tangible, factory-installed setting.

When you remarry your Ex, the settings go off kilter. Frankly, I don't think there is a factory-installed setting for remarrying your Ex. You've got to create a custom setting. It's definitely different from being single or divorced, and it's also incredibly similar to being married to Spouse #1, because after all, Spouse #2 actually is Spouse #1. But it's still very different from that feeling because after all, Spouse #2 is not Spouse #1 at all (and if he was, we'd still be divorced).

Here's the thing: given the fuzziness of feeling (or not feeling) married again, I seem to be slipping back into feeling divorced from time to time. Even The Husband noticed some of this sort of weirdness.

For example, I still occasionally use my maiden name, even when I have committed to taking my husband's last name again. I tend to take care of a lot of "Man Things" that I used to rely on The Husband for when I was married, like car maintenance or mechanical stuff. I am much quicker to make decisions without him (something he finds a little annoying), even decisions that effect both of us. I am less domestic; I don't cook or clean as much as I used to when I was married. I still shop more for myself than for both of us. I tend to do more of my own thing.

I haven't really figured out how to feel married yet, at least not how to feel married to The Husband. I haven't really started dreaming about our future. I haven't melted my stuff (both material and psychological) into his stuff yet. I still feel a teeny weeny bit more divorced than married.

Don't get me wrong. I love The Husband, gangbusters. He's been fabulous. He is trying so hard to make our lives together good and special. I really couldn't ask for much more. I just haven't completely let go yet and surrendered myself to my marriage. I'm wondering if I'm still a little bit too damaged from the divorce, but I don't think that's it. I think it's probably just good old-fashioned fear. Maybe.

Lotsa freebies (didya miss me?)

2009-08-11T00:31:00.004-04:00

Rachel Ray dog food sample
Poise kit (for Mom? Bubbe?)
Burt's Bees Acne treatment
Roots of Nature conditioner
Cheerios
Scope mouthwash
Playtex tampons and also here
Carefree liners or pads
Paul McCartney's song "Great Day" mp3 download (legit)
Aveda hand lotion (bring the coupon into a store)
O.B. tampons
Always pads
Huggies diapers
Aquafresh toothpaste
True Delights granola bar (check the kashrut)
Kotex sample pack

Free bag of high-end dog food

2009-08-10T22:25:00.001-04:00

Here.

Catchup

2009-08-09T23:52:00.003-04:00

You know when you have a good friend that you tell stuff to almost every week, and then something major takes over your life and you fall completely out of touch, and you don't call the friend because so much has happened that you don't know where to start? Dontcha hate when that happens?

So my dear friends and readers, I got married and moved back to Out-of-Town. The move was huge. I'm still reeling from it. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate moving. I've done it way too many times. To start with, it costs a fortune. It's not just the actual moving expenses that cost that much; it's all the stuff you need to throw out, and all the stuff that inevitably breaks in the truck, and all the stuff you just have no room for in your new place. Since The Husband and I were divorced for a while, we replaced a great deal of the furniture that we mutually took from each other, and now we are swimming in nearly new stuff that we don't need and for which we don't have room, and are reluctant to let go. I hate moving.

We did a little work on our house, which resulted in one of our landscapers making off with nearly a thousand dollars of our money. Yup. I do love getting swindled. We're taking him to small claims court, but it's not looking good that we will actually be able to locate him.

I am currently unemployed, which is bumming me out. A lot. I don't do well without work. I'm getting my health insurance from The Husband's work, so a lot of my expenses have disappeared, but this move has cost such a fortune of money, and our savings have seriously dwindled. For the first time in a long time, I am worried about money. I hate worrying about money.

On the plus side, The Husband is behaving very, very nicely. I like my second husband quite a bit. The first one, not so much.

Oh, and I was recently in a minor car accident. Minor in that I wasn't hurt and no other cars were involved, but the passenger side of my car is not a happy site right now. I fell asleep at the wheel.

That's mostly it, in a nutshell, I think. I think we're caught up. I'm trying to walk the fine line between continuing to write this blog and trying to keep it interesting, and respecting the privacy of my marriage and husband, and it's not easy. Let me know when I'm really boring you.

WebGirl is busybusybusy

2009-07-22T08:00:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't posted much lately. I'm in the middle of some transitional stuff and there is not much free time these days. Stay tuned....I'll be back in August.

Free Coldplay mp3s

2009-07-03T17:25:00.001-04:00

Free Coldplay album (legal download) here.

OutofYourLife.com

2009-07-03T01:55:00.002-04:00

It's time to break up with his jewelry, too.

LMHO. Talk about niche marketing. Watch the tv ad.

Free Music for Independence Day

2009-07-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

A slight departure from my usual free music posts...click here for 10 Amazon free mp3's of patriotic tunes, in honor of our great country, and in spite of the fact that our President and Congress are slowly flushing it down the toilet. When I listen to God Bless America, I feel a little hopeful. Happy July 4th.

On Michael Jackson

2009-06-28T02:41:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I will heave if I have to read or listen to another thing about how incredible and miraculous Michael Jackson was...how he changed the world, etc.. No, he didn't. Watch any interview with Michael and you will see a seriously weird individual. Maybe borderline disturbed. Something was not quite right with the man.

I have no idea if he was actually guilty of child molestation. If he was, I hope he is, well, burning in hell, whatever that means. If he wasn't, then I am very sorry he died but really, enough already. He was a very talented musician and dancer. Unique. I saw him perform in the eighties and he was great. It did not change my life.

Assuming he was actually guilty of child molestation, can we still appreciate his music and talent? This is actually a very old question. Can we appreciate the operas of Wagner? The poetry of TS Eliot and Ezra Pound? I can go on and on with a list of creative geniuses who were evil individuals. The entertainment industry in particular seems to breed creative people who either lead amoral lives or hurt other people. Can we still appreciate the art if we abhor the artist? Very interesting question. I have no answer.

Assuming that most of the world thinks child molestation is very, very bad, if you think Michael Jackson deserves to be mourned, you either:

don't think he was guilty of child molestation;
don't know if he was guilty or not and have decided not to deal with the question because listening to Thriller gives you the warm fuzzies about your childhood in the eighties;
think that even if he was guilty, acknowledging that he was possibly a horrible person is enough and you are able to separate the artist from the art;
think that even if he was guilty, his music was world-changing and therefore he deserves our veneration.

I personally lean toward the second choice, regardless of the fact that I don't mourn Michael Jackson. I'm sort of done with all the MJ specials and tributes, and interviews of people who knew him or claimed to have known him. The excess of the world's response to the passing of a pop icon is too much, too too much. Really, I've had enough.

Peace

2009-06-23T00:52:00.001-04:00

And while we're on the topic of pop culture and music

2009-06-21T18:34:00.002-04:00

Just for the helluvit, pick a rock/pop male vocalist and female vocalist from, say the last 40 years, who have the most distinctive, clearest, widest-range voices, a voice that you instantly recognize no matter what the song. My choices would be Freddie Mercury and Sheryl Crow. I hate Sheryl Crow's idiotic politics, but boy do I love her voice. I've always thought Mercury had one of the most flexible, amazing voices in rock history.

Attention Pop Culture Musical Geniuses

2009-06-21T12:40:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to remember the name of a nineties one-hit-wonder. It was done by some guy with a synthesizer in his basement who had a pretty good techpop song with sort of morbid lyrics about a girl who gets in to all sorts of trouble. I think it was late nineties. Anybody have a clue?

Father's Day

2009-06-21T08:00:00.003-04:00

Not sure why Father's Day gets to me so much. It just does. It's been 4 years since I lost my Dad to cancer. Time has worked it's magic and while I miss him terribly, I've more or less stopped grieving. I get through his birthday and his yahrtzeit just fine, with a visit to his grave and some tears and prayers, but then I'm okay. His death doesn't preoccupy my mind like it used to when it was fresh. But come Father's Day, and it hurts all over again and I feel like I lost him yesterday. Maybe it's because the rest of the world is celebrating fatherhood and I can't. I'm wondering if I will feel better about Father's Day if I ever make my husband into a father. Maybe that's part of the hurt.

I had to buy my father-in-law a Father's Day card, since my husband is allergic to all things Hallmark, and this sort of thing is my designated job. It feels pretty empty to be wishing my father-in-law a Happy Father's Day; he is no more my father than anyone else is. I like him; he's a nice guy and good to my husband, but he's not my father. I've also taken to calling my inlaws Mom and Dad, which is their preference, but certainly not mine. I didn't call them that in my first marriage, but I caved this time around, since it means so much to them. It feels very fake, but sometimes in life, you need to do the wrong thing for the right reason. They are wonderful people, and they certainly treat me almost like parents. But, they're not.

I miss my father. I dreamed about him two nights ago. I was living in the house I grew up in. It was the middle of the night and my father came into my bedroom. "What's the matter, Daddy?" I asked him. "I can't sleep. I'm worried about something and want to talk to you." "Want an Ambien?" I asked him. This is where it crosses over in dream-weirdness because if I was young and living in my parents' house, I wouldn't even know what an Ambien was, let alone offer one to my father. In the dream, my father tells me something which I can't remember then hugs me really tight and leaves the room. I can almost feel that hug and I wish I could remember what he told me.

I wonder what dreams mean. Was that my father visiting me from the next world (I can't sleep.) or was that just a product of my grieving mind missing him? I wish it were the former, but I sadly know it's the latter. I do believe my father exists somewhere, but I know we can't communicate. You can't imagine how sad this makes me.

Sometimes I go through some of his things to make me feel a little closer to him. I need to be in the right frame of mind for this though. I think if I did that today, I'd melt away into grief and hysteria. Wouldn't be a good thing. I still have the sefer that was opened on his desk before he was taken away to the hospital for the last time. I keep the bookmark in the place it was opened to. Yes, I know how foolish and sentimental that is. Once, someone was going through my bookcase and took out the sefer and opened it to the mark and then almost dropped it. I nearly had a coronary, thinking that my father's place would be lost. I told a friend of mine about the sefer and she thought it was beautiful that I was holding my father's place. "You know, so that when he come back in tchiyat hamaytim (God's resurrection of the dead), he can just pick up his learning where he left off." My friend is very spiritual. It's not that I don't believe in tchiyat hamaytim. I do. It's just that it would hurt too much to personalize it and give myself the hope that someday I might see my father again. It's one thing to think about it in religious terms; quite another to think about what it might mean to me. Though I will admit, since my father's death, I do say that particular blessing in the Amidah with more kavanah.

Sorry to get so morbid on such a happy day. If you're a dad, enjoy your day and hug your kids. If you're a son or daughter, give your dad a big kiss and appreciate and love the heck out of him. And have a Happy Father's Day.

How to Not Be Romantic

2009-06-19T13:33:00.008-04:00

You're not going to like this post. I'm not even sure I'm going to like this post. It's so anti-intuitive. But I'm going to talk about how my marriage has completely changed my ideas about what is romantic.

When I married my husband the first time, we did romance. He sent me flowers. He got me jewelry. We did dumb, mushy, bad joke Hallmark cards. We lit candles. We went out for picnics on the beach, dinners in dark restaurants. We went on weekends away in ski resorts, vacations, etc. We followed the script. We were even following the script when we were being creative and spontaneous. We were both doing romance the way we thought it should be, the way it was on Friends, and in the movies, and in trashy novels. You know, explosive, demonstrative, with big gestures and lots of gazing into each other eyes.

Yeah. Well. Five years later, that romance didn't keep us from getting divorced. What it did do was cause a lot of resentment on the mutual lack of response to each other's efforts. Why? Why didn't I feel loved when The Husband bought me diamond earrings? Why did I silently criticize how small they were and how they were in yellow gold when he knows I like white gold and how the diamonds were so unwhite? Yes, I did think that, internally (thankfully, I knew enough not give voice to such pettiness). On his side, instead of appreciating my gestures, he resented the fact that I was spending so much money on them. The romance was hollow to us. It did nothing to generate love. There was so much wrong in so many other areas that the romance became plastic.

Fast forward to marriage #2. We just passed our one month anniversary and we spontaneously bought each other stuff to celebrate. I got him a portable Ipod speaker (cost: $9.99) and he got me Bananagrams (cost: $14.99). What was cool about this was that 1) we didn't decide beforehand to buy each other gifts, we just did and 2) we didn't spend a ton of money and 3) we bought each other very un-romantic gifts. But we spent two hours playing Bananagrams on Shabbos afternoon and laughing our heads off at some of our lame attempts at cheating. And he used the Ipod speaker while he was relaxing at home and didn't feel like having headphones on. And I think that we both really liked our gifts. And we both felt appreciated and loved.

When we got engaged the first time, I hooked The Husband up with my cousin in the jewelry business and he bought my engagement ring from him. He had a certain ring in mind (round stone, yellow gold, solitaire setting) and so did I (radiant stone, white gold, side stones). We went back and forth and settled on a compromise, but we both felt sort of bad about it. I wanted him to instinctively know what I wanted and was frustrated with what he wanted to choose for me. I realize now how foolish that was. He wanted to pick out the ring himself and was frustrated with how what I wanted was so different from what he thought would be the perfect ring for me. What we compromised on was still a pretty ring. But the process to getting there sort of sucked the joy out of it.

Fast forward to marriage #2. I still had the stone from the first engagement ring (I had reset it into a necklace during the divorce). I asked The Husband about putting it into a new engagement ring for our new engagement/marriage. He said: here's what I'd like to spend, go get yourself a new ring setting and tell your cousin to send me a bill. Very unromantic, right? But I picked out exactly what I wanted, and then threw in some of my own money to buy a matching band. Very, very unromantic. And when I showed him the rings, The Husband looked at my hand and said "Wow. They look gorgeous. I would have never chosen that style. We'll have to work on some matching stuff for future anniversaries." And then I tackled him. And what started as a very unromantic, practical gesture became a very sweet promise. And frankly, I don't care that much about when we actually buy the stuff. It's the feeling behind the promise that was never there in the first marriage. And when I look down at my hand, I feel like my husband really does love me. Finally.

This is probably obvious to everyone else, but at last I've realized how mature, happy people carry on relationships. It's not romance that makes the love. It's love that makes the romance.

Hubris, Part 2

2009-06-18T16:25:00.003-04:00

Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh, with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, was testifying on the Louisiana coastal restoration process in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. He began to answer one of Boxer's questions with "ma'am" when Boxer immediately cut him off.
"You know, do me a favor," an irritated Boxer said. "Could say 'senator' instead of 'ma'am?'"
"Yes, ma'am," Walsh interjected.
"It's just a thing, I worked so hard to get that title, so I'd appreciate it, yes, thank you," she said.
"Yes, senator," he responded.

Watch it here.

One who runs after honor will have it run away from him.
-The Talmud, Eruvin 13b

Hubris, Part 1

2009-06-18T16:08:00.006-04:00

“I’ve got one television station that is entirely devoted to attacking my administration.”
-President Obama, 6/17/09

Really Mr. President? Would you like some cheese with that whine?

You forgot to mention that you've also got one station entirely devoted to adoring and worshiping your administration and pretty much the rest of the mainstream media soft-balling any criticism of your administration to the point of losing any real claims of objectivity. Oh, and let's not forget the prime time infomercial on your health care program that ABC is basically giving to you. Seriously.

And, btw, Mr. President, let me remind you of the fact that you are The President and that this is a democracy. The President gets to be criticized. Yeah, that's how that the Free Press works.

Why don't you ask President Bush how many stations were entirely devoted to attacking his administration?

Freebies/Deals Roundup

2009-06-18T08:08:00.012-04:00

Free Vaseline Aloe Fresh (must have Costco membership number)
Free Emeril spice samples (I have no idea if this is kosher or not so check when it arrives)
Free Johnson's Soothing Gift Set
Free Dove's shampoo
Free TP
Free cereal bars (again, not sure of kashrut...check package)
Free 2-year subscription to TimeOut NY
Free Aveeno shampoo
$10 off $25 at Macy's, Friday until 1pm
50% off one item at Michael's (until Sunday)
$5 off a $50 purchase at KMart (until Sunday)
Free Tampax
Free dandruff shampoo
Free kids binoculars
Free Kotex
$1 off Baskin-Robbins frozen drink

Free Toonz

2009-06-14T05:26:00.000-04:00

22 Free Itunes songs from Nylon Magazine, here.

Will on Green

2009-06-07T10:55:00.003-04:00

I'm going to reprint here, in it's entirety, the George Will article about going green. (Thank you P.S. for yet another great email). I'm reprinting it because it is so freaking brilliant. I heard George Will speak at a university once, and went home thinking he was one of the greatest modern thinkers of the 21st century. I wish I could be this eloquent.

Oh, and I saw one episode of the The Goode Family and I almost fell over laughing. The show is sadly on target.

Green With Guilt
By George F. Will
Thursday, June 4, 2009

There once was an Indianapolis concert featuring 50 pianos. Splendid instruments, pianos. Still, 50 might have been excessive. As is today's chorus summoning us to save the planet.

In the history of developed democracies with literate publics served by mass media, there is no precedent for today's media enlistment in the crusade to promote global warming "awareness." Concerning this, journalism, which fancies itself skeptical and nonconforming, is neither.

The incessant hectoring by the media-political complex's "consciousness-raising" campaign has provoked a comic riposte in the form of "The Goode Family," an animated ABC entertainment program at 9 p.m. Eastern time on Wednesdays. Cartoons seem, alas, to be the most effective means of seizing a mass audience's attention. Still, the program is welcome evidence of the bursting of what has been called "the green bubble."

Gerald and Helen Goode, their children and dog Che (when supervised, he is a vegan; when unsupervised, squirrels disappear) live in a college town, where T-shirts and other media instruct ("Meat is murder"), admonish ("Don't kill wood") and exhort ("Support our troops . . . and their opponents"). The college, where Gerald works, gives students tenure. And when Gerald says his department needs money to raise the percentage of minority employees, his boss cheerily replies, "Or we could just fire three white guys. Everybody wins!" Helen shops at the One Earth store, where community shaming enforces social responsibility: "Attention One Earth shoppers, the driver of the SUV is in aisle four. He's wearing the baseball cap."

The New York Times television critic disapproves. The show "feels aggressively off-kilter with the current mood, as if it had been incubated in the early to mid-'90s, when it was possible to find global-warming skeptics among even the reasonable and informed." That is a perfect (because completely complacent) sample of the grating smugness of the planet-savers, delivered by an entertainment writer: Reasonable dissent is impossible. Cue the pianos.

"The Goode Family" does not threaten Jonathan Swift's standing as the premier English-language satirist. But when a Goode child apologizes to his parent for driving too much, and the parent responds, "It's okay . . . what's important is that you feel guilty about it," the program touches upon an important phenomenon: ecology as psychology.

In "The Green Bubble: Why Environmentalism Keeps Imploding" [the New Republic, May 20], Ted Nordhaus and Michael Shellenberger, authors of "Break Through: Why We Can't Leave Saving the Planet to Environmentalists," say that a few years ago, being green "moved beyond politics." Gestures -- bringing reusable grocery bags to the store, purchasing a $4 heirloom tomato, inflating tires, weatherizing windows -- "gained fresh urgency" and "were suddenly infused with grand significance."
Green consumption became "positional consumption" that identified the consumer as a member of a moral and intellectual elite. A 2007 survey found that 57 percent of Prius purchasers said they bought their car because "it makes a statement about me." Honda, alert to the bull market in status effects, reshaped its 2009 Insight hybrid to look like a Prius.

Nordhaus and Shellenberger note the telling "insignificance," as environmental measures, of planting gardens or using fluorescent bulbs. Their significance is therapeutic, but not for the planet. They make people feel better:
"After all, we can't escape the fact that we depend on an infrastructure -- roads, buildings, sewage systems, power plants, electrical grids, etc. -- that requires huge quantities of fossil fuels. But the ecological irrelevance of these practices was beside the point."

The point of "utopian environmentalism" was to reduce guilt. During the green bubble, many Americans became "captivated by the twin thoughts that human civilization could soon come crashing down -- and that we are on the cusp of a sudden leap forward in consciousness, one that will allow us to heal ourselves, our society, and our planet. Apocalyptic fears meld seamlessly into utopian hopes." Suddenly, commonplace acts -- e.g., buying light bulbs -- infused pedestrian lives with cosmic importance. But:

"Greens often note that the changing global climate will have the greatest impact on the world's poor; they neglect to mention that the poor also have the most to gain from development fueled by cheap fossil fuels like coal. For the poor, the climate is already dangerous."

Now, say Nordhaus and Shellenberger, "the green bubble" has burst, pricked by Americans' intensified reluctance to pursue greenness at a cost to economic growth. The dark side of utopianism is "escapism and a disengagement from reality that marks all bubbles, green or financial." Reengagement with reality is among the recession's benefits.

Deal roundup

2009-06-06T21:43:00.004-04:00

Big Fish Games "Escape from Paradise" for 99 cents with code ESCAPE99

$20 off your $80 purchase at BrylaneHome.com with code BHBEACH

Michael's 40% off coupon here

World Kitchen deals:
- PYREX® Cobalt Blue 2-1/2-qt Mixing Bowl $1.99 ($1.60 with code)
- PYREX® Cobalt Blue 1-1/2-qt Loaf Dish $1.99 ($1.60 with code)
- PYREX ® Cobalt Blue 6-oz Custard Cup $0.50 ($0.40 with code)

Free Huggies diapers

Of Mice and Freaks

2009-06-01T03:55:00.006-04:00

We recently had a little rodent attack in our garage. That is a euphemistic way of saying that there are mouse droppings everywhere. It is beyond disgusting. Seriously.

So I placed an ad on Craigslist saying that I needed a few people who can deal with ickiness who will clean out my garage. It needs to be swept out and everything needs to be wiped down with a bleach based cleaner. I would provide rubber gloves, cleansers and face masks. I was paying a big twelve dollars an hour for this job, which is basically what we can afford. I posted the ad and sat back.

Instantly, I was flooded with responses from people who are desperate for work and cash. We had nearly fifty of those. It kinda bothers me that so many people are willing to do this sort of work for so little. That tells me how bad the local economy is.

Here's what I learned about job hunting in general from this experience:

1) if you are answering to an ad that specifies a salary, don't respond that you will happily do it for more. We had a few people saying that they would do it for $15/hour, with a minimum number of hours guaranteed. The thing is, I got flooded by emails from people who offered to do it for even less than $12/hour, so all things being equal, why on earth would I use the more demanding respondents?

2) I asked for references (these workers are going to be in my home). Anyone who responded without at least one phone number for me to call got dumped in my delete pile. If I ask for a reference, give me a reference. One person even berated me for asking for a reference for such a menial job.

3) while I didn't ask for experience since this is a fairly simple job, some people responded by listing references and cleaning experience. Those people went right to the top of the pile. If you have something relevant to the position, offer it up, even if the potential employer didn't ask for it.

4) People that sounded illiterate went to the delete pile. I know, you don't need good grammar to bleach a garage, but it helps if I can communicate easily with you.

5) One of the stupidest things you can do is offer to come here to do the job with your significant other. Yeah, that's just what I want. One girl even said that she and her boyfriend would be happy to show up to clean the garage, but her boyfriend would be doing most of the work. So why would I pay two people if only one is working? This isn't a day in Six Flags, it's a yucky job. I don't want people socializing. I want them scrubbing.

6) Lots of sob stories. I didn't penalize people for them, but I did ignore the stories and hated myself a little for that. It bugs me when someone writing a job response says he needs money to buy groceries. If he's got enough money for internet access but can't afford to eat, something is wrong with his prioritizing. And anyway, I want the best worker, not the neediest worker. This will probably sound harsh, but I feel like it's unethical to share your desperation with a potential employer. It puts them in an uncomfortable position. I know this sounds pretty mean-spirited, but I want to choose someone objectively.

7) Finally, this was my favorite response. Really, 99% of all responses were normal. But this one freak was the ray of sunshine in my day.

Dear Garage Woman, I know this is not going to be what you expected, I have a fetish that could work for both of us. I enjoy being Dominated and have much experiance (sic) role-playing as a naked houseboy. You would not have to pay anything to get your garage cleaned, if you would explore your Dominant side and give me orders and instruct me. I live in ____, I am 52 with black hair, blue eyes, 240 lbs. I can travel and am free as early as noon today. -Sir Rocket.

Yeah. He's not going to get the job. It would be a little problematic to have someone cleaning my garage, er, naked. LOL. I love Craigslist.

Not going green any time soon.

2009-05-24T05:12:00.004-04:00

In an effort to sanitize out my new (old) husband's bachelor pad and turn it Our Home again, I've been buying a ton of cleaning supplies for our house-cleaner to use (notice, I did not say I would be cleaning it myself. That's because I won't be). We're talking a full range here, hardwood floor cleanser, dusting spray, toilet bowl cleanser, tile and tub cleanser, glass cleaner, oven cleaner, all-surface cleaner, etc. I've noticed that all the major brands now have a "green" alternative. That is, and please correct me if I get this wrong, a cleanser that is friendlier and safer for the environment. Right.

I noticed right off that green cleansers are consistently more expensive than their non-green counterparts. Interesting. To me, "green" means not being wasteful.

I was curious. I bought two...a green glass cleaner and a green hardwood floor cleaner. We have a dog who spends a lot of time on the floor, so it seemed like a good area to test out. I noticed that neither cleanser worked very well at all. As a matter of fact, they just didn't work. The green glass cleaner didn't contain ammonia, so it left most of the dirt behind in a streaky mess, and the floor cleaner, well, just didn't work at all, and smelled funky.

So does going green mean sacrificing efficiency and utility for the sake of Mother Earth? I ended up returning the glass cleaner and throwing out the floor cleaner (so much for reducing waste). Until they make green versions that work and are cost-effective, I'm not on board. To me, going green means passing on something for which you no longer have any use to someone else who will (see my post on gemachs and freecycle), re-using something when it's still old but still functional, and not spending money on stupid things. I do believe in respecting our environment, i.e. don't throw trash on the street, and don't destroy things that don't need to be destroyed.

The rest, frankly, is all a lot of hype.

And I thought my second wedding was a little off the beaten track

2009-05-24T04:37:00.004-04:00

This couple (apparently frum!) beat us out by a mile.... More wacky weddings here. Love this wedding cake.

The Culture of.....Sheitels

2009-05-18T18:11:00.007-04:00

Imagine four young, attractive women sitting around a small room, chatting about their sig-oths, candidly revealing their latest gripes or raves about their careers, their friends, their in-laws, their lives, as another woman flits around ministering to them, working on each of them one at a time, chatting and drawing them out, laughing and joking.

A scene from Sex and the City?

Nope.

The salon workroom at Shaindy the Sheitel Macher. Yes. Can't make this stuff up.

When I got married the first time, buying and styling my sheitel was extraordinarily stressful. I got used to the idea of covering my hair pretty quickly, but I was never sure of how it should look or fit or how much it should cost. I'm a little more relaxed now. I have more control over my money, sheitels have gotten much cheaper, and I am more aware of my sense of style. Having worn a sheitel for five years, and watched as my friends got either very good or very bad sheitels, I know what works and I know what doesn't. I can also tell within five minutes whether a shaitel stylist knows what the heck she is doing or whether she is snowing me.

So this time around, I've been taking my time dealing with the sheitel thing. I had two headband falls from the first marriage, one of which was salvageable and one which, sadly, has now been demoted to a hat fall (soon to be further demoted to a gemach donation). Shaindy miraculously managed to rework my old full sheitel into a much more modern look, and I bought a new one from her that is totally foxified. All the while she's been working on these, I've told her the saga of my marriage/remarriage (she's divorced and remarried too, though not to the same person), complained about my boss, shot the breeze about different business ideas, talked about my new community, old community, tried to fix up some single friends on blind dates, etc. She takes a break while working on me to nurse her baby, make us a cuppa joe, and do her own stretch of kvetching. My sister-in-law drops by with her own sheitel issues while we are there. Other women step in and out waiting for their appointments. We walk around with our hair showing, our shoes off, our jackets and purses piled up on the waiting room divan. We play Jewish geography, compliment each other on our shoes, complain about the economy, talk about books we are reading, classes we are attending, drink Shaindy's coffee, and just hang. And buy sheitels.

It's always girls' night at Shaindy's. And it's kinda nice.

Deal roundup

2009-05-17T14:07:00.004-04:00

40% off one item at Michaels.
Free TP
Free after-sun body lotion (or SPF 15 lotion)
$10 off at Judaica Plus
Free game from Amazon: Big Kahuna Reef
Free Always, free Kotex, free OB
Free Coldplay album (legit mp3 download)
Free All-Bran cereal
Free Klean to Go pack
Free Forceflex trashbag

Great deal

2009-05-17T12:26:00.003-04:00

This freshwater pearl and gold bead necklace is on clearance at Ross-Simon's. If you use code WELCOME, you will get free shipping. It's $19.95, but of course, you will click through Ebates before you buy it, right, and get 7% back, bringing it down to $18.55 with shipping?

This is a gift for a woman, say 25 and older, boys. It's sophisticated, very much in style, and given that these are really pretty pearls and the beads are 14Kt, she will think you spent way more than you did. I got four of them, one for me and three for gifts. My friend bought 12 of them (she's in a business where she is constantly buying things for people). Can't beat it with a stick.

Tally on this year's bonuses

2009-05-17T01:11:00.010-04:00

I finally got my $500 cash bonus on Options Xpress this weekend, as a result of this offer (expired). This is probably the largest cash bonus that I've ever gotten that has cost me nothing. That brings my total on cash and gift card bonuses since January up to about $1,200.

$25 on Etrade for opening a new account;
$50 bonus for joining the Lending Club and another $50 for signing my husband up. I'm pretty sure they don't allow you to withdraw the $50 anymore...I think you have to use it to fund a loan. We withdrew the cash and closed the accounts;
$90 bucks back on Ebates. Note that I didn't buy anything I wouldn't already have bought. Some of this came from referring friends. If you haven't signed up for Ebates yet, I'm not sure why. This is the biggest no-brainer ever. You simply click through the link on their site before you buy something online that you were going to buy anyway and get a portion of your purchase back. And it's real, folks. I get a check every three months;
2 $5 Amazon gift cards on Swagbucks; Swagbucks is actually a fun program. You can earn a reward fairly quickly...45 points gets you a $5 Amazon gift card. You get rewards simply by searching through their toolbar and occasionally, they post free codes on their blog or Facebook page.
2 $25 Amazon gift cards from Stamps.com (plus $25 in free postage). This actually cost me $18 because I allowed them to charge my credit card once but they sent me an extra Amazon gift card as a result; you can read about my Stamps.com experience here. After I closed my account, I signed my husband up, took the additional $5 in free postage and then canceled. We won't be buying stamps for a while.
$250 cash bonus for opening an account on WT Direct (expired);
2 $50 Macy's gift cards from MyPoints;
$75 voucher on JetBlue for booking a flight that I would have booked anyway. It was actually supposed to be only $50, but since they sent me the voucher a month late and I called and complained, they threw in an extra $25. I put the $75 toward another flight that is going to earn me another $50 voucher.

I know lots of you think most bonuses aren't worth your time, but it's a simple matter to set some alarms in Outlook when you sign up (like "cancel this offer on this date" or "call this number if you don't receive gift card by this date") and have it track your bonuses for you. Bonuses earned through anything but a bank or a brokerage house are tax free, btw.

I spend about 15 minutes a day dealing with my freebies and bonuses. This also includes all the free samples I get, which weren't included in the tally above. The free samples are substantial and in some areas, really money-saving: I haven't bought dog food/treats or shampoo in a few months. I know some of you don't have 15 minutes to spare, but for those of you who do, let me know and I will keep posting offers like these. $1,200 in five months for doing pretty much nothing is a nice little perk, especially in today's crummy economy.

Just a little aside on the new marriage: I used to try to do this sort of thing when I was married the first time to my husband, and he pretty much scorned it. Told me that it was a waste of time and effort and would never amount to anything substantial and that half these offers weren't real. So I stopped pursuing the whole bonus/freebie thing. With my New and Improved Husband in Marriage version 2.0, not only is he proud of me for getting us all this free cash and stuff, he's given me his s.s. number and free reign for doubling our goodies by signing him up whenever I sign myself up. Now that's trust. And it's even more satisfying to share the haul with him because he finally appreciates what I'm doing. What a difference.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

2009-05-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

This was recently posted to one of the Jewish community listservers to which I subscribe. I changed a few things here and there to protect the poster's anonymity as best as I could.

5 months pregnant and havent seen a doctor!!

I have a huge problem. I don't have insurance so I applied for Medicaid. However I could not apply unless I had a green card which I had just lost along with my wallet just a few weeks before. I could replace it but it would most probably arrive after I have given birth. Now that I'm expecting I'm eligible for Medicaid w/out replacing my green card. I was told that I need a letter from a doctor stating that I am pregnant in order to put the application through. My family has a history of premature births. I was told I should be monitored because of this. Everyday that goes by I'm more and more nervous!! I have no idea who to go to and am afraid out of my mind. Anyone have any ideas? Does anyone know someone who will take me without insurance at least until I get Medicaid?

I just don't know what to do with this. Is this woman stupid? Is she just completely frightened into paralysis? Is she insane? Five months pregnant and no prenatal care? Does she give a damn about her child?

We have a messed up health care system in this country, granted. But we also have an institution called The Free Clinic. Many major hospitals have them. They are all over the country. There are a ton of them in NY. If you can't pay for medical care, you can still get medical care, for free. I was under the impression that this was a well-known fact. If this woman decided not to see a doctor for herself, fine.

But to not see a doctor when she is FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT?!? I'm thinking that this is some form of child abuse. I'm serious.

This woman is an idiot. I understand she's scared and confused, but there comes a point when she needs to resolve her fear, confusion and self-imposed helplessness for the sake of another human being who has no choice but to depend on her. This is procrastination of the worst possible kind, the kind that could potentially harm a child. What exactly will she do when the child is born and needs medical care?

I just don't know what to do with this. The woman is just an utterly neglectful moron.

ARE-EE-ESS-PEE-EE-CEE-TEE

2009-05-08T09:00:00.004-04:00

Well, I finally got my bloggering self married. Yup. It was actually a fun wedding, though very different from the first one.

The first thing I've noticed about being married again is that almost nothing has changed. I don't feel too different, at least not yet. My focus has shifted, of course, and I'm a little busier and a lot happier. But other than this bauble on my finger (a pretty damn flippin' gorgeous one, I must say), and this rug on my head, I just don't feel all that different. Well, except for the respect thing.

I first got married in my early thirties, which means I spent much of my adult life as an unmarried woman. In between marriages, I was divorced for about two years, and so I was able to step back a little and get some perspective on how marital status affects the way people see you. Over the course of this journey, I've been a part of three separate Jewish communities, two of them in New York. Interesting to see how things work.

No question that, across the board, I got and get much, much more respect as a married woman than as a single or divorced one. There is just no question. And it is really troubling.

As a single, I didn't even understand what it meant to get any sort of respect or recognition. I was used to being asked if I "needed" a Shabbos meal. I was never asked to help with any Jewish organizations or really to participate in any meaningful way in the community, other than doing singles stuff. The most common topic of conversation was shidduchim, dates, what (not who) I was looking for, what I could do to meet people, etc. I was barely half a person and didn't even know it.

Then came marriage. Instant credibility. I was asked to serve on several boards of Jewish organizations. I was treated as an asset at Shabbos meals, rather than as a liability. People in the Jewish community came to me for advice on finances, career stuff, community issues, etc. I was less of myself because of my horrible marriage, but my marital status somehow made my personhood status skyrocket.

Then came the divorce. I became persona non grata faster than the speed of light. No one asked me to volunteer anymore. I was an even greater liability at Shabbos meals (got invited out much less), I guess because divorce is still a stigma, or perhaps because I was a living reminder of failure and unpleasantness. I just don't think the frum community knows what to do with divorce(e)s, especially the ones without children.

And now, suddenly, my star is rising again. The Husband and I are completely booked for every meal on Shavuot, with invitations to spare. We both noted that last Shavuot, we each had only one invitation in our then respective communities. I've been snagged to teach some women's classes and two organizations have invited me to serve as a board member. The Husband too is re-emerging in the community.

I hate this sort of in-bias in the frum world. Why is it that someone who is not married is considered less than valuable? Why does marriage, rather than accomplishment, buy you instant respect? Why isn't there a higher place in the frum food chain for singles or divorced people?

I told The Husband that having been through this particular ringer, I was going to fill up our Shabbos and YomTov tables with singles and divorce(e)s, and try to engage them to become more involved in Jewish leadership roles wherever I could. He agreed.

Not everyone who is part of The Tribe is also part of the mainstream. Time to start hacking away at the bias.

Stupid Things People Say

2009-05-05T21:58:00.004-04:00

I struggled with the title a little... should it be Stupid People Say Stupid Things? Or, People Are Stupid? Or maybe Stupid people Are Insensitive? And Stupid?

Okay. Anyway...

I'm talking about when people don't think-- stop, and think-- about the possible impact their words might have. That they might not be talking to whom they think they're talking to. What am I talking about?

My business is in a frum area, and I have many occasions to deal with frum (Orthodox) clients. When I'm with clients, they often are engaged doing something by themselves for a few minutes, while I work nearby attending to other things. They often strike up conversations with me in the "Jewish Geography" vein. You'll see what I mean; a typical conversation recently went like this:

Client: So, where do you live?

Me: I live in [nearby town].

Client: Oh, very nice. I know Rabbi [Young Israel Rabbi] very well. Do you know the Goldbergs?

Me: I don't think so, no.. . it's a big town, gotten really big.

Client: Ah hah. So, do you have any kids?

Me: I have two daughters.

Client: Oh, kenayna hara! How old?

Me: 6 and 9.

Client: Very nice. Where do they go to school?

Me: [local Hebrew Day School].

Client: Very nice.... and what does your wife do?

Oof.

It was just easier to answer the question the way I would have had I still been married- "She's an accountant". Even though I really wanted to say something like, "She's dead." Maybe next time, I'll just reply, " I don't have a wife."

But I'm trying to be the professional, nonchalant and in charge of the encounter. So I kept my mouth shut. After all, it's what they expected to hear. They'll never know otherwise.

The next example was much more irritating.

I was talking with a regular client. She's a good, client, uses my services regularly. But she's very opinionated, in that local Jewish way, and to make matters worse, she never shuts up. I often have to do the whole thing where I'm inching to the door, hand on the knob, trying desperately to give visual clues that our business is concluded.. but she never picks up on it, just powers right on along.

So, we were talking-- well, I was just trying to make small talk-- about her daughter who was studying in Israel. I asked if she'd be returning for a second year. "No, it's not happening, we just can't aford it," She said. "And besides, she wants to go to college, so she has to start getting that going." I inquired what she wanted to do.

"She wants to be a therapist," she said. Not physical or occupational or speech-- that would be typical-- but psychology. "Because that's a good career for someone who wants to have kids, and be a mommy. My kids know that I raised them to put family first, and not have nine-to-five jobs where they'll have to go off to work and leave their kids with a stranger for 8 hours a day. I think that if you're gonna do that, better you shouldn't have kids."

My kids' pictures are right on my desk, not two feet from her. They were both in full time day care from age 3 months. We had no choice- my ex had only three months paid maternity leave, and we couldn't afford to have her not work, and provide the income and the health insurance that kept the kids healthy. It wasn't an option. And never mind that there's not a shred of evidence that proves that kids in day care most of the day are any worse off, by any measure, than those raised by a parent or relative. Would it have been better if my kids hadn't been born?

Idiot. And she thinks that I'll probably agree with her because I wear a kippah. Kids are born every day to welfare mothers, born sick, addicted, poor. Thank God some parents are lucky enough to have a job to go to, and that gives them the means to enroll the child in a day care. Day care isn't a dumping ground for kids to languish while parents go laugh around the water cooler-- it's a structured environment that's chock full of stimulation for kids' growing brains. The caregivers are supervised, and most even have degrees in child development. This isn't some tichel-lady's basement with a bunch of Little Tykes toys and some pizza bagels.

Idiot. I used to like her, but now she's really pissing me off. But I'll continue to be professional, because she's a client, and she pays her bills.

But sometimes you just wish you could tell people what you really think.

Bulova watch for less than $30

2009-05-01T16:18:00.003-04:00

I have worn Bulova watches for years now. My parents started me off with one at my bas mitzvah, followed by one at my 21st birthday, wedding, and I finally graduated to a gorgeous solid gold one with diamonds, right after my divorce (bought for me by me). They are great watches for both men and women...beautiful, classy, elegant, Swiss movement, last forever. They have become a favorite gift of mine to give for bas mitzvah and graduation presents, as they have high name recognition and they are something that can be worn for years. I can never seem to find the low-end ones for under $75. Here's a link to a women's everyday, gold plated one for $30 with free shipping. Use coupon code TW5PAFF and it becomes $28.50 (5% off). Keep in mind that this is an unheard of price for this brand of watch, even on the low-end. I ordered 4 to keep for gifts.

$6 webcam, coupon and free samples.

2009-04-22T00:11:00.004-04:00

For the next 24 hours only: webcam for $6 shipping.

Free shampoo samples here and here.

Free L'Oreal Everpure and Revitalift samples here when you register on their site and click on special offers.

April 22 only: 15% off and free shopping tote at Walgreen's. Yay for Earth Day! I think it's all a buncha crap, but I'll take the special deals.

Can you tell I'm getting a lot of junk email these days?

2009-04-18T21:11:00.003-04:00

15% off at Sephora.com: code BD2T9CB5. Through 4/21/09 Get something for your girlfriend/wife.
25% off total purchase at ross-simons.com: code SAVEMORE. Through 4/19/09 Get something else for the girlfriend/wife.
20% off total purchase at jcpenny.com: code FRIEND20. Through 4/19/09 Get something for the kids.
40% off one item at Roamans.com: code RD19268. Through 4/21/09 Get something for your mom.
20% off one item at BrylaneHome.com: code BHMIXITUP. Through 4/21/09 Get something for the house.
Free dog treat sample here.

Fighting

2009-04-17T09:18:00.001-04:00

So my fiancé and I have been fighting. Are you shocked?

It's actually more like bickering or arguing. And contrary to what would probably be popular wisdom, I am actually taking it to be a good sign. A very, very good sign, that our second marriage will be so vastly superior from our first. Why is this?

Because a) we are not holding things in. We are talking out just about everything. No silent treatment, holding grudges, crying fits. b) we are fighting really well...not insulting each other, bringing up past garbage or getting personal. We're sticking to the issues. We're pointing out and acknowledging if we or the other person says something unfair. We're resolving stuff. Actually resolving stuff. c) Every argument/fight/discussion ends. We're able to actually argue, come to some sort of conclusion and then get on with our lives. And smile at each other afterwards (sometimes, not always).

We're the same people who got married the first time. The same contentious, annoying, verbal, know-it-all couple, with the same pet peeves and the same likes and dislikes. The difference is that no matter how much something bothers either one of us, we are going to be very careful not to try to destroy the other person over it. We are committed to putting our marriage before ourselves. Sorry if that's not pee-cee, but it seems to work. So far so good.

As I continue to say, it's not the problems of marriage that concern me. Those will always be there. It's how we deal with those problems. And so far, we are doing ok.

Every day, I fall a little, teeny-tiny bit more back in love with my Ex. Just a coupla molecules at a time. And then, after a few weeks of these baby steps, I glance over my shoulder and see where I am and how far we've come, and I thank God again and again for my (weird but) happy ending.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-17T04:40:00.009-04:00

If you haven't seen this yet, watch it. It is astounding.

I confess, I've watched this YouTube video about six or seven times in a row. And I'm not done yet. What is it about this performance that is so riveting?

Let's face it, 47-year-old Susan Boyle is never going to be Miss America. And a day at the salon is not going to change things too drastically for her. When I first saw her, I did not want to be her. I felt sorry for her. But when she opened her mouth to sing, everything changed.

Let me step back. I'm probably one of the few humans on Planet Earth who doesn't watch American Idol. It's not because I'm too good for the show; it's because I cannot, absolutely cannot bear the shame of the mostly untalented contestants. I'm told by my friends who love the show that mocking the losers who are so un-self-aware, that hating the judges for saying what everyone is thinking, that indulging in the judgment - is all part of the show's appeal. It's not so much that I am above all this that makes me not want to watch the show; it's that there is a nasty, low part of me that would enjoy all this that makes me not want to watch the show. The part of me that would revel in tearing down the poor talentless freaks who are so full of themselves, the part of me that wants the pretty people to do well and the homely people to be sent home, this very low, mean-spirited, judgmental part of me that the show draws out - I don't want to be in touch with that part of me. I don't even want to acknowledge that she exists.

I first clicked on the video of this episode of the British American Idol as a link on a friend's Facebook page. When I first saw Susan Boyle, I thought to myself, who is she kidding? She was so relentlessly perky in her cheap dress and cheaper optimism. This was going to be utterly humiliating. And that low, ugly part of my psyche stirred and waited for her to fail.

But then she opened her mouth and effortlessly let out that voice. That transformative, beautiful, astounding voice.

My initial thought was "what an odd container God has chosen to pour so much talent into." I watched the video two or three more times. I googled Elaine Paige, the singer that Susan Boyle mentioned that she would like to be like. Boyle's version of this song is better, much better. It isn't so much that Boyle was good. It's that she was perfect. Every note, the phrasing, the pitch, the clarity... if ever there was a cosmic, perfect, whole moment for this song, this woman has evoked it. Her voice and her talent are extraordinary.

And so, yes, God has chosen an unusual vessel for this remarkable talent. And that ugly part of me that I don't want to acknowledge has quietly slunk away.

Go Susan Boyle, and take it to the finish line.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: here's Susan Boyle singing Cry Me a River in 1999. Unreal.

Some miscellaneous offers

2009-04-14T17:19:00.004-04:00

Free ice cream at Carvel, April 30, 3-7pm.
Free roll of Reynolds aluminum foil (sort of...you get a refund on 4/22).
Extra 20% off at Macy's or 15% here (thank you, reader Paul)
$2 off any $30 purchase or $3 off any $40 purchase at Payless Shoes.
3-way Cigarette Socket Power Splitter with USB Port on Deal Extreme for $5.74, free shipping (charge your GPS, Ipod and cellphone simultaneously).

Matzoh confection recipe

2009-04-14T01:15:00.003-04:00

This recipe is so easy, delicious and fattening, I feel bad for all of you non-gebrokts dudes.

4 sheets of matzoh
oil spray
stick of maragine
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. pareve chocolate chips
1/3 cup slivered almonds

Spray 2 pans (or cookie sheets) with a light layer of cooking spray. Line the bottoms with the matzoh. In a small saucepan, melt the margarine and brown sugar together. It should be really liquidy. This stuff gets really hot, so don't burn yourself.

Drizzle the sugar/margarine goo over the matzoh until it's evenly covered. Sprinkle on the almonds and chocolate chips evenly. Bake in a pre-heated 400 degree oven for 10 minutes and remove promptly. When totally cool, smash into little cookie size pieces. Yummers.

Freebies on the Holiday Celebrating Freedom

2009-04-12T02:42:00.003-04:00

Happy Passover!

Here are some coupons and free stuff to put you in that "freedom" mood:

1) 10% off your order on www.MichalGolanGallery.com with code 5102009. Good until Mother's Day.
2) Fill out this survey and get a coupon for $3 off a Sally Hansen product in her Paraben-Free line.
3) $5 off $25 purchase at a TruValue Hardware store.
4) Free flat tire repair...only good in the following states: Ct, De, In, Me, Md, Ma, NH, NJ, NY, NC, Oh, Pa, RI, SC, Vt, Va, WV.
5) Free dog food sample (definitely chametz!)
6) Another free dog food sample.
7) and yet, another free dog food sample.

For the kiddies

2009-04-06T16:31:00.001-04:00

Free Huggies diapers: here.

Rite Aid, $5 off $25

2009-04-06T16:27:00.002-04:00

Coupon for in-store purchase. Save $5 off $25: here. Good until April 30, 2009. Buy that new Pesach toothbrush now.

Got chumrah?

2009-04-06T13:56:00.005-04:00

Well, they've finally called a spade a spade. I was in my local frum Pesach mega-market yesterday, and I found this: Machmirim Milk. This particular milk carries, four, countem, four different types of kosher supervision. Why? Because four is greater than three, two or one, silly. Four hechsherim are better.

Yup. Super-duper, frummified, extra kosher, glatt, mehadrin, cholov Yisroel milk. No mooms on this milk's lungs. I suspect that their cows wear sheitels (without a tefach showing). Their slogan is (are you ready?) “Anachnu Machmirim Bnei Machmirim,” (we are stringent people, the children of stringent people). Yes. In case you were concerned that this milk's kashrus was supervised by, I dunno, ba'al teshuvahs or something, don't panic. Not only are you getting a superior product with Machmirim Milk, but it's kashrus is being supervised by superior Jews.

Stuff like this makes me want to start my own brand, and call it Kula Milk. Our slogan: "If it's good enough for Rav Moshe, it's good enough for me."

Okay, now, time for a childish game.

2009-04-06T02:13:00.003-04:00

Name 1) the Pesach food you love the most and 2) the Pesach food you can't stand. I'll start.

1) Matzoh bry with cinnamon 2) any non-gebrukts cake made from a mix. Good Lord, that potato starch aftertaste.

Go.

Am I The Only One Who Finds This Amusing?

2009-04-05T08:48:00.002-04:00

From the You Just Can't Make This Up Department:

I received a letter and attached rider from my health insurance carrier informing me of a policy coverage change.

It seems that effective immediately, my carrier will no longer be covering any procedure, treatment or supplies relating to erectile dysfunction for registered sex offenders.

Um, first of all, duh. Second, is this really a problem for sex offenders? I mean, do these pervs really go to the doctor and say gee doc, I seem to be having a little trouble raising the ol' flagpole when I'm looking at kiddie porn? ( I guess Kolko's out of luck.) Secondly, did it really take the suits at my carrier this long to realize this? I guess they're looking to cut costs everywhere.

So Maybe I spoke a Little Too Soon

2009-04-05T08:45:00.002-04:00

Ironically, my date the other night went pretty well. I'll post some more details on AFS, so if you're on the list, you can read it there.

Life is funny, that's all I can say, and you never know what will happen.

To my credit, I did not laugh until after I hung up

2009-04-05T04:59:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine from out-of-town, new to Ortho Judaism, called me to ask if diapers needed special Passover certification.

Yeah.

As I embrace the impending onset of the beloved Jewish holiday that seems to bring out the greatest neuroses in all (some) of us, I briefly consider kashering my kitchen with a blowtorch; that is, burning the whole damn thing down. Ha ha ha. Kidding. Really.

Chag kasher v'sameach to all of you.

-WG

Free Quaker granola bar

2009-04-03T03:34:00.000-04:00

Here.

Gmail's annual April Fool's joke

2009-04-01T09:06:00.000-04:00

Here.

I'd Rather Be Playing Scrabble

2009-04-01T08:30:00.003-04:00

Now that WebGirl has found (her way back to) her Happily Ever After, it looks like it's up to me to post about dating and related matters, and how wonderful (insert eye roll) it all is. After all, what kind of blog would this be if we didn't have a generous amount of angst?

After two months back on the dating "market", I've gotten to the point where I'm tired. In the last two months, I've dated two girls (three dates each, concurrently)-- neither of whom I met on Frumster, or online at all, for that matter. One lived an hour and a half drive from me (she was fantastic-looking, which is why I even considered it). Obviously, neither one 'worked out'.

My two closest single friends are in relationships again. Tonight I have a date with a woman a friend of mine set me up with. She seems nice enough, and we spoke on the phone (and on FaceBook!). But I just can't seem to get excited about it. And lately I've had the recurring thought that not being in a relationship has a definite upside. After work, I can just come home, have dinner, put my feet up, watch TV, hang out with friends, not have to spend time on the phone, not have to go out; not have to 'deal' with another person. It's just me. And even though I'm curious about the person I will be going out with tonight, I just feel sort of blah about it. Go to a place, have drinks, sit across the table, and talk about the same stuff you talk about on dates. I'd rather be home in my sweats watching the Life On Mars finale. And it's a local date! How pitiful is that?

I just can't seem to get excited. I used to enjoy "The Hunt". But the online dating sites are dead-- there are maybe three girls I am half interested in contacting, and I'd have to fork up cash to do it, and I guess I'm not interested enough to do that now.

I remember WG feeling the same way, and I remember me exhorting her to buck up and keep going. I guess the shoe's on the other foot now, eh? Of course, she did go back to her ex. That's not really an option for me, though (wink).

Actually, there was one woman recently that I was excited about.

An attractive pharmaceutical rep named Jennifer* has been visiting a doctor in my office lately, and as soon as I met her, there was a definite chemistry... a tension. She has a dynamic and outgoing personality (as salespeople tend to have), and there was also witty banter and dare I say it, flirting. She is Jewish, but not religious or observant. At all. (In fact, she's rather anti-religion... see below, but that's a longer story). However, I could tell that she was definitely reflecting my attention; she'd linger on her way out, talking in the reception area with me for 30 minutes after she said she had to get going. It got to the point where other office staff would good-naturedly chide me about her. One day I walked her out of the office, and admired her car (a nice BMW) and half-jokingly said she'd have to take me for a ride one day. She offered to let me drive it.

I had decided that this was too interesting not to at least explore, so when she told me I could call her, I did- and we had a long and deep conversation. Unfortunately, it was theosophical, and she said she was religiously "on a completely different solar system" than I was. Lot's of "issues", with religion, and no doubt other things. I got the impression that 'deep' was an inadequate word to describe her- 'an abyss' would be more like it. Very much in her head...been there and done that. Unfortunately, I'm highly attracted to those types. After conversing for a while, it became clear that nothing was going to 'work', at least not as a long-term thing. So we left it with me coyly promising to keep flirting with her when I see her, and her being OK with that. But damn. Why can't I meet a reasonably orthodox girl like that?

In other news, I am completely stressed about my taxes, I could give a rat's behind about Pesach (haven't done a stitch of prep), and I think I'm getting a cold.

Happy Belated Birthday to PS!

2009-04-01T08:21:00.001-04:00

Sorry I messed up. But it's your fault. ;)

-WG

Cleaning up

2009-03-31T17:33:00.003-04:00

I know you're going to think this is a religious or prudish thing, but really, it's not. It's about cursing.

I graduated from college when I was twenty years old, and in addition to my degree, I came home with a mouth like a truck driver. Or a sailor, take your pick. It was eff this and eff that and everything was effing whatever etc. You get the idea. I was twenty. I was an idiot. I never cursed in front of my parents, of course. It wasn't so much their disapproval that I feared; it was more that they are classy, religious people and I would be embarrassed to curse in front of them.

I was on the phone once with a girl who lived in my dorm and my Mom wasn't home, so I let it fly. Effing this, effing that, s-word, douchebag, etc. We spoke for about an hour. Well, um, my Mom was home. She was in the basement. But she heard. She came into the kitchen after I hung up and looked at me. Just a look. But that was enough.

So basically, I kicked the habit. Oh sure, if I dropped an anvil on my foot, believe me, I wouldn't say "goodness gracious." I do believe that swearing has its place, but only in extreme situations. Having it be a part of everyday speech is just coarse. Actually, if you never curse, when you do let one fly, it has even more of an impact.

I wonder if people who routinely swear realize how they sound to the rest of us. It downgrades the message behind the language. For example, I really like this blog, for the most part. She's a good writer and she's got something to say. But it would be a gazillion times better if she laid off all the foul language.

And now that I'm firmly on the other side of the big four-oh, I can say that it's also juvenile. Seriously. Grow up.

I remember when the Dennis Miller Show used to be on cable. I love Dennis Miller; he's witty and smart, but the show was just unwatchable after a while. Every third word was an f-bomb. I enjoy him so much more now that he's on the radio and needs to play it clean.

I have a friend who is an attorney who routinely posts in filthy language on Facebook all the time. I just don't get it.

I don't know, am I being a prude? I don't think so. I just find routine cursing detracting and sort of lame.

Seven Frum Dwarfs

2009-03-31T15:54:00.002-04:00

This was really cute. Hat tip to SR.

Free Aveeno

2009-03-31T14:50:00.001-04:00

Free Aveeno shampoo and conditioner samples

New Favorite Artist

2009-03-31T12:43:00.002-04:00

My new favorite artist is Anders Holst. The more I hear of his music, the more I like it. He has a smooth, soulful voice that draws you in. Check him out.

Fantasy

2009-03-31T01:35:00.001-04:00

Dress I would totally wear if I were thin (sigh) and never had to worry about tznius (sigh, sigh): here. So purty.

The Road Taken

How Not to Invite a Single or Divorced Person for Pesach

24 Incredibly Annoying Things that People Do on Facebook

The Same

Ickiness Returns.

Coddling

An Atheist in a Foxhole

Me and the Big C

The Religion of Environmentalism

Manna....it's what's for dinner

A Guest Post by Nice Jewish Guy

GREAT NEWS!

Mother's Day

Hurtling Towards Healing

Coffee with Amy

Even more on babies

Suicide is Painless

Faithfully

Always On Your Side

Give My Heart a Break

My City in Ruins

Ads

The nutters have found me (and it only makes me madder)

Mi K'amcha Yisrael, Goy Echad Ba'aretz

More on babies and how I don't have any.

Guess who's hiring? Uncle Sam!

Anti-Agunah Nutters

Gluttony

Bad Writing, Randy, and Tikkun Olam

Put on your yarmulkah....

Happy Birthday NJG!

The Most Annoying Facebook Friend on Planet Earth

WebGirl on the Dole

I Want You Back

On Being an UnMom

Good news! They like us! They really like us!

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize

The Secret Lives of Housewives

Checking in

Fixing up our little nest

Those who cling

Free Granola Bar

Free Subscription to Spin

Free Black Crowes Download

Free Dave Matthews Downloads

The Latest Assinine Comment on Healthcare from the Leader of the Free World

Feeling married (or not).

Lotsa freebies (didya miss me?)

Free bag of high-end dog food

Catchup

WebGirl is busybusybusy

Free Coldplay mp3s

OutofYourLife.com

Free Music for Independence Day

On Michael Jackson

Peace

And while we're on the topic of pop culture and music

Attention Pop Culture Musical Geniuses

Father's Day

How to Not Be Romantic

Hubris, Part 2

Hubris, Part 1

Freebies/Deals Roundup

Free Toonz

Will on Green

Deal roundup

Of Mice and Freaks

Not going green any time soon.

And I thought my second wedding was a little off the beaten track

The Culture of.....Sheitels

Deal roundup

Great deal

Tally on this year's bonuses

More Dumb Listserv Posts

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

ARE-EE-ESS-PEE-EE-CEE-TEE

Stupid Things People Say

Bulova watch for less than $30

$6 webcam, coupon and free samples.

Can you tell I'm getting a lot of junk email these days?